Message?

Its seems that I have been committed to writing this entry for some time now.  For the reasons that have revealed themselves in the past week or so, I guess that I might say that it makes more sense all the sudden.  A feeling, something supernatural brushed me by a few weeks ago.  In that encounter I received something that I would gather as a message.  Seeing as I went to a small conservative Christian school, I am very reluctant to taking such things as a sign, or a message from the Divine…probably because I was surrounded by people that had similar life changing moment every other week or so.  But this thought was something that would not rattle itself out into the fringes of my memory.  I thought about it all that night, and the next day, the message seems to whisper to me when I the thoughts of my mind wonder and my thoughts are calm.

I had been waiting for the fall season all summer.  I enjoyed the warmth of the sun more this past summer that I have had in some time, I remember comfortable in it…comfortable in its rays; in its warmth.  I guess one might say that I wasn’t really waiting on fall so much as I was dreading the winter, and no longer appreciative of the sun.  It was in October, towards the end of the month.  I had spent the day leading up to work among thoughts and friends that made me feel happy to alive; as if being a part of this world seemed to be making sense more that day than on others.  I love the leaves of late fall, the sun catches all the reds, browns, and auburns of autumn…its just so beautiful.  I got ready for work and was heading out down the familiar streets with a smile on my face as I took in all the color of the day.

At the four way stop it happened.  I looked to my left and saw a moment that has been somewhat stuck in my mind for a while.  Across the street two little guys, probably brothers, came bursting around the house chasing after one another.  The older of the two caught the younger just as he was making his way down the small hill in front of the house leading down to the sidewalk.  He was stumbling while running and the older brother (if indeed they were brothers) caught up with a more mature stride and half-tackled him.  They rolled down the small hillside and into the wall of leaves raked up alongside the curb awaiting city service pickup.  The whole ordeal looked as if it might have left one of them hurt.  This notion was put aside when they both laughed and their father came to join the party jumping into the pile of leaves and bodies as everyone began to throw armfuls of fallen leaves into the air.

I laughed out loud.  I was so happy in that moment, just to be alive to see it made me feel as if I had some intricate role involved to the most minor detail.  To have a heartbeat was to be human, and to be human was to belong to something larger than oneself.

Something hit me.

“What you see before you, you will not have in your lifetime…what you see before you is something for which you were not intended.”

I was a thousand miles away from the pile of leaves and a family moment that seemed perfect.  Feeling so close to it was replaced by a feeling of watching the scene on a movie screen with black and white film.  It was so far away all the sudden.  This was the most unexpected change of feeling; it was so strange.  The only thing that seemed more unusual than the change of heat was the indifference I felt in accepting this notion when it came to me so clearly and so suddenly.

“I know…”

That was all that I could think.  I wasn’t depressed or angry.  It seemed that I had just admitted to something that I had known to be true all the while.  I accepted it and moved on just like that…and I have no idea why.  Maybe I’m crazy.  Maybe I’m just plain wrong.  Either way my mind seems intent on accepting things any which way they go as a simple matter of fate.

Peace and Love

Mikey