I never meant to shut you out

I didn’t beleive her friend when she told me that things had changed. How could anything have changed, I knew that I hadn’t done anything different. But I was stubborn and I was ignorant to the fact that things had, it took her words recited to me for me to get it straight.

She was a friend to me at the beginning of the year, someone I told my self that I would prefer not to date. For that reason I could talk to her easilly, i could show up to her room, and not feel as if I was making anythig akward, I could be her friend, and it was good. Then something happened, something changed. I guess I would like to think that I matured quickly in a short amount of time, in reality I became attracted, but it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t grown a bit. And I all the conversations and nights that we had hung out made me see her as a whole package as opposed to how a typical college guy would look at a girl. I saw her, beauty in all forms radiated off of her, and consequently things began to change.

I think that it started around Christmas break. I know that was when I was having a harder time talking to her than before. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, or that she was smarter than me, or that we could be friends but she would never date me; how the tables do indeed turn on you. Looking back, I can see that I must have stopped talking to her, mostly because on of the things that brought me joy was when I would hear her laugh..it was just so happy, so pure. I didn’t realize it, but I had begun to shut her out, because I was afraid, because I thought I would be rejected, whatever reason, I guess I shut her out.

I denied it, I told my friend that there was no way that she could see anthing different in the way i treated her. I wasn’t hoping for an argument, I wasn’t trying to be funny, I was just oblivious to the fact. Then my friend told me, she had said I had whispered only to others, and pretty much isolated her, and at times she left saying to my friend “what’s the point?”

Her words hit me like a wall, and I felt like an idiot and a jerk at the same time..then I said without even thinking: “but I love to talk to her, I love it when she talks to me” when I said it I felt like i was crying inside. How long had I been doing this, how much time had I wasted, how could I have missed out on so much of her? It was true, I realized that I hadn’t heard her laugh, at least not near me, in a long time…I missed her…a lot.

“We can wait a minute longer” I said, it was pretty obvious I wanted to see her. She caught us right before we went in to the movie. I wanted to tell her I was sorry, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hear her laugh. She sat inbetween us, something I didn’t plan on, but I was happy she was there. It wasn’t wierd, it was easy to talk to her again or poke her with my elbow for fun, I could see that the problem had been mine.

I’m glad I found out, cause I can’t imagine not having her as a friend…maybe someday I’ll be close enough to tell her that I was sorry, and that I never meant to shut her out.

Peace and Love Mikey