Candles

12/22/06

 

Candles

I can’t count how many times I’ve stepped out into my kitchen and looked down at the street just a few yards away all the while hoping that no one I might know would be driving past.  Trips to the fridge at 11:30 always seems less like a private matter of a midnight snack until I notice that some one driving along could very well be noticing me.  And last night I remember thinking with all my thoughts that it would be great that someone I know might drive by at that instant and notice candles.  Candles burning against the silhouette of two figures holding tightly to each other just out of reach of light from the table or the miniature Christmas tree at the other end of the room.  Candles, a light source that should have become obsolete in these days, no doubt have purpose in being used.

 

When I climbed the stairs to my apartment tonight I noticed the gentle glow from this little blue Christmas tree that was given to me.  The light was soft and gentle, teasing the darkness; empowering it by forfeiting the small and distant corners but never yielding fully and surrendering the room.  I know the whole place has to look homey from the outside, and for once it actually is because of the hours I spent cleaning and preparing for yesterday and last night…hours that would be well worth it.

 

I made homemade chicken caesar salad and some pasta for dinner.  She sat at the table while I worked in the kitchen and made comments about nothing interesting because I know I can only do one thing at a time anyway.  We talked a little about music and what I liked and I made her find something that she enjoyed from the stack of cds collecting dust in the living room.  I was excited to see that she knew some Third Eye Blind and I began talking right away about how the best songs from their first cd come later in the track list and are pretty much unfamiliar in terms of radio play lists.  She did her best to listen as I rambled on about this and that.  As luck might have it we got through the meal with a lot of the popular songs.  For the most part a lot of those songs went into background noise as I turned the stereo down after I asked if we could do the “candle thing.”  The little corner was full of dancing flames and shadows while we listened to Third Eye and made small talk.  Afterwords she helped me clear the table of all the dishes.  By this time album had run through to the last two songs, the best two songs, on the album.  I love the slow picking of Motorcycle Drive By, or the way it builds from soft to loud, only to end softly in the same exact way it began.  We stand in the candlelight swaying to some of my favorite music holding each other close.

 

I know that she feels for me strongly.  I know because the way she holds her posture when we touch, how she leans into me while we kiss.  I feel her stomach, her hips roll into me while she puts her lips to mine and I can feel her back arch towards me as I wrap my arms around her.

 

A hug. 

A kiss. 

A linger and a smile. 

A pull back.

Another smile. 

Another kiss.

Another smile.

 

We dance around the order of our flirtatious patterns until every embrace, every kiss, seems to be new.

 

We watch movies in my room on my bed full of fresh blankets and new pillows.  We hold each other.  We cuddle.  We kiss.  It seems so good it’s hard to grasp that she is here for the first time in my space.  I know it’s difficult to come to terms with this because I’ve imagined her here time and time again, in this very moment, in the very manner, as events unfold better than I could hope them to in a way that can only be described as familiar. 

 

When she leaves…it happens suddenly.  The apartment remains homey but inevitably feels hollow.  The quiet seems too quiet for the first time in a long time.  I feel left here, robbed of her company by the urgency of time and plans.  I feel alone on this bed with nothing to hold but pillows that smell like her…

 

It’s so hard to think that today has forever slipped away into the past.  I hope there will be more days like today but I know deep down that there is only one day that was today as I watch that sliver of time float away from me forever.  But I believe a life well-lived results in a mind full of memories that are all cherished as sacred…thoughts held equally high because they tell one’s story…and even as the day moves away from me, I believe I can say with some confidence that I think I will always remember Third Eye Blind over dinner.  Always remember movies and cuddling on the bed.  Always remember the way that she moves into me when she initiates a kiss.  Indeed I believe I will always remember candles.