A letter that I actually sent

When I write, it tends to be in a letter format.  Letters that I am too afraid to send.  Well I pulled one out of the archive and used it last night.  It had always been a nice thought to think that I might keep these letters and give them someday to the person that they were always intended for once we had something special together.  But last night I just needed to send her something…and I have no idea if it was a good move or not, but here is what I sent her:

>So yea, this is about last night, well last night for you, about an hour ago for me.  I’m sorry if the conversation was a little wierd but reading has been a really nice distraction from things that weigh on the mind lately.  Consequently I have multiple things running through my head and some things just “find the exit ramp” I guess.  I want depth from you, and sometimes conversation seems trivial and I wonder if you really even want to be talking to me at all.  I wanted to say that it seems like lately you’ve been playing it safe.  I mean, you chat online or talk on the phone when I call, but you never initiate conversation outside if the computer, and once again I wonder if you are wanting to talk to me at all.  I know that you have been busy, to be honest I am excited for you and your perspective “free-lance” work, I think that it might open up doors for you; doors that will let you use your talents well.  I dunno, I guess that I am trying to say that I miss you; at the same time I feel powerless to do anything about it…I don’t know when its right to call or whatever.  I guess I fear that I am screwing this up somehow, I’m sorry, I’m not making any sense.
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>>I feel like I need to show you things…to show you that my motives are pure…to show you that I’m sincere.  At the same time I am afraid that it might appear that I am trying to convince you of something.  I hope we can see each other before the holidays, I hope its something that you would look forward to.
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>>I want you to read something.  I wrote this a night or two after you came to town the summer after you graduated.  Its nothing much, but I feel like I wrote in a letter form for a reason, like someday I might send it to you.  Please don’t read too much into it, I don’t want to make things more akward anyway…I just want to share a little peice of my thoughts with you.
>>Mikey
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Feeling Good
8/11/2003

I thouhgt that returning an e-mail would be a lot to expect from the situation.  Chatting on IM would be overboard. Having you make plans to hang out when you were in town was more than I could have ever imagined. I think that the first thing that I noticed was your hair, only because I cound’t see you smile. I pulled up as your were looking through your trunk for a skecthbook u wanted to show me. Your sandals made me remember it was summer and people I wouldn’t see until september were off living their lives away someplace they called home…but somehow, you were here with me.

The music was too loud, but I still heard every word you said, and felt happy every time that I saw you show a smile. I was glad to leave, and was really happy to hang out in the sun after it wasn’t so hot outside. I was glad that you liked the sketches I showed you, but somehow I feel like I could never be good enough to make you attracted to me…it’s just to much to wish for..and everything about you is just so good…

Frisbee in the dark. I love a movie just as much as the next guy, but I think I would rather be outside, running around with a friend being goofy pretending that I won’t ever have to grow up or take anything seriously…and I think you might be able to relate. I guess I wish we could share that feeling together, I guess I’d like to think that we have that much in common, something that could bring us close. I dunno, maybe I am just being sentimental after a really cool night with a friend while I remember how crazy about you I was in the past. I know that nothing between us has changed, I don’t really expect it to, I would just like to thank you for last night…its been a while since I’ve felt this good.

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