Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

So, last night was also interesting for things other than my finals being so daring. I also had a bit of a rage issue. It was such a small thing that set it off, too. I was getting some peppermint ice cream, and it fell off the scoop to land in between the fridge and the counter. I flipped out. I threw the scoop, which subsequently hurtled through a now broken chair. I then had a total emotional breakdown.

Now, first of all, know that this is something limited, at least physically, to me and inanimate objects. Had Max or Shasta been in between me and the chair, the scoop would have gone elsewhere. Anyways, I sat on the floor and cried, not really having any control over it. It was so bizarre. Things from the past were just exploding through my head.

Same thing happened this morning as I was going to leave for work.

I am going to see a counselor in the morning about it, because this is obviously something I am not doing a good job at taking care of myself. I wonder what I’m going to find? I mean, if it were something I knew about, wouldn’t I have been able to solve it by now? I have been having floods of memory from my past today. Vivid and deeply mundane, like memories of walking to the store to pick up some milk, or just hanging out with homies.

I am relaxed right now. I am ready to go to bed, and I do not have bad feelings in me right now. I am surprised when they appear. I also have been having the most terrible anxiety attacks in the past couple months, at all times. For those of you who do not know what an anxiety disorder is, just imagine being in constant terror – the kind of terror you mighe feel when your life is threatened – all day, every day. Imagine it being the norm. Then imagine it getting worse, MUCH worse, every so often, such as when someone even looks in your general direction. That is my daily life. I will not miss it when it is gone. This is why I don’t jump when there is a car crash ten feet from me, or when some other genuinely scary thing happens. I was terrified long before it happened.

I wonder what it will feel like if it goes? Will I feel so vulnerable without my fearful shield that I go crazy? Will I revel in it unto being foolish about life choices?

I will say one thing. I am thankful for a wife who believes in me as Shasta does. She is my only strength in times like these. Her unyielding trust and love makes me want to make everything better, for the both of us.