Spiral staircases

So, lets catch up, shall we…

IDK what night it was last week, but I NEEDED MB so badly. I just needed him..with me. Holding me, kissing me…in me. I just….NEEDED him. After the previous day of feeling so alone, I needed to have him as close to me as possible. I needed to feel him around me. I needed to not feel alone.

And…omg,  we ended up in bed, passionate and loving. Caressing and kissing and then he was inside me. And I was filled with him. Filled with his love and emotion and need. And I could feel myself tremble with my own need of him. My breath caught in my chest. Love overwhelming all my thought. Barely able to process what I felt as we clung to each other. Just knowing in my soul that nothing in the world was more right than this moment.

When we settled back down I lay there catching my breath. He asked if I’d climaxed and I admitted no. I don’t typically, it’s just…me. It’s hard for me to get there. But it’s not an issue to me. Especially on this day, in this moment. All I wanted this day was him, and I was more than satisfied.

However, he turned sour, and hurt and….angry…that he hadn’t accomplished making me climax. He was really upset over it. I tried to assure him that I was more than satisfied but it was to no avail. He wasn’t hearing any of it.

My mood crashed.

I went from feeling so alone…to feeling so loved and filled….to feeling like a failure.

And I was alone again. There in the bed, beside him, where just moments ago he’d made me feel so alive and full and loved and safe, now I just felt cold, and alone and sorrowful.

And silently I let the tears fall. I didn’t want to get out of the bed. I knew he would be upset if I left. So I tried so hard to let the tears fall silently. Tried not to let him know. But he know’s me too well. And soon his arms were back around me and his hands on my cheeks, trying to wipe away the tears, not understanding.

But I didn’t know how to explain it. So I got out of bed and went to the bathroom. I closed the door and took those deep cleansing breaths. Deep. Trying to steel myself against the pain and the anguish. And the hurt. The loneliness.

After a time I regained control of my emotions. Put it all back away inside me. Wiped my eyes and dried my cheeks. Took another deep breath and returned to bed. Like the soldier.

After a few moments of silence between us, he asked what had happened. My false strength allowed me to answer with a semi convincing “Nothing, everything is fine. I’m good”

His anger flared. “Fine. Don’t tell me.” And he turned over, away from me.

Hurt and relieved I turned away from him as well and took another steadying breath.

And moments later his arms were around me again and his voice soft and pleading, “What is wrong?”

And my breath broke and my tears came again, harder now. I couldn’t catch my breath. I could barely breathe. Gasping for air between silent sobs. Still trying desperately to contain my emotions.

He wasn’t going to let me not tell him.

He wasn’t going to let me go to sleep and pretend everything was ok.

He wasn’t going to accept anything less than an honest answer.

And so I told him.

I told him I’d slept on the couch the night before because even though he was there…I felt alone. And it wasn’t his fault.

And I told him that All I needed tonight was him. I needed to not feel alone. I needed to be in his arms. I needed to feel wanted. Loved. I needed to be consumed by him. I needed to feel his arms around me, his breath on my skin, his kisses on my mouth, his body inside my own.

I NEEDED him. I needed to be filled with him. In my mind, my heart my soul my body. And it didn’t matter to me if I climaxed at the end. I was the most satisfied woman regardless. Because I felt loved and cared for and safe and fulfilled.

And then for him to react the way he did, to be so upset…I felt as though I’d let him down. I wanted him to feel as loved and fulfilled as I did. And he didn’t. And I felt alone again.

And after I told him all this I just felt worse. Because now HE felt worse. Like he had let ME down.

But somehow, amazingly, we talked through it. He held me and kissed me and dried my eyes. And he whispered in my ear and I softened once again against him. We fell asleep in each others arms. A deeper understanding between us.

Understanding another level of the love we feel for each other. Realizing we’d climbed another step. Perhaps hesitantly, tentatively and less than gracefully. But gently and together we got there.