Whoever said “Silence is Golden”….was wrong.

I suppose Karma came to bite me in the rear end yesterday for flaking out on my friends last week. I woke up and was about to hop in the shower when I heard my phone buzzing. It was my cousin telling me her and two of the three kids had woken up in the middle of the night with a bad case of the flu. We decided it was best if I came another time so they could recoup  and I could avoid getting sick. The’re taking an 18 day leave next week to go visit family in Az. and when they get back the husband is being deployed. It’s probably better that I plan a visit after he’s gone, I know she’s going to need some one. They take great pride in being a military family but you never want to ship your love one off to war…Last time he was only gone two months on a mission, hopefully that’s the case this time too.

(Coney Island 2010–under the pier–by me))

 
I have been wanting to e-mail Frank a lot lately. I know I won’t get a response. I haven’t the three previous times I have done it. I know if I call it will go to his voice mail which tells me it’s too full to receive anymore. None of them are from me though, so I wonder who else is missing him? I can’t help but hope he’ll come back. As much as I am angry at him I miss him just as much. It isn’t fair that he has left me in this big question mark of a situation but if I could just hear his voice….I know it’s been 4 months and I know I should move on and I know he is probably avoiding me as opposed to giving me the honesty that I deserve….I know what he’s capable of. That doesn’t change 8 years of loving the man though. I feel robbed of my chance to express myself to him. He deserves to hear what I have to say. It isn’t fair he gets to escape that fate and I am stuck here feeling like I’m feeling.  Just like my father he took the opportunity from me. They are both suicides. Selfish acts. I am left to pick up the pieces and carry them as I move on with my life. Even if he came back, I don’t think I would be the same girl. I know I wouldn’t. How could I be? One may scoff at the idea that he’s a smart man, but he is, and he knows what this would (is) doing to me. The fact that he remains silent makes me resent him. I never thought that would be possible. I thought he was too mature, too wise, too…wonderful.

In the end I didn’t write anything. I didn’t try calling. I haven’t checked to see if he’s been on his websites, or forums, or instant messengers. I know if I stop looking for answers I’ll gradually just move on. I know finding anything, bad or good, wont make me feel better.

It won’t make me love him less.