Welcome Mat

I guess “Living Single” is agreeing with me. I am quite surprised how comfortable I am (from my first night till now) being totally on my own. Even before I got everything unpacked and put into place I felt instantly at home. I still do not have my kitty but I am waiting just a bit longer until I learn the routine of maintenance/management involvement in my building (as no pets are allowed.) So far the coast seems clear and other than routine maintenance around the building I don’t see why they’d catch her. She’s old and quiet and sleeps most of the time. I don’t see her making it impossible to be kept a secret from my landlords. She’s the only thing though lacking in my new home. Once she is here (and once I land a couch!) this place will be complete. I went to my mom’s today to visit with her so she doesn’t think I have abandoned her and it’s either my guilt or she truly has the look of “why have you left me behind??? don’t you love me???” And she is torn between giving me her tail end or affection. UGH. Poor kitty. I wish I could make her understand that the day is coming where her new home will be here with me…if she can just be patient.

 Anyway, I had a small “house-warming” party last Friday and had a nice little turn out. I felt bad that there wasn’t much seating but most people didn’t seem to mind much. There was food and alcohol, and jello shots (FYI bad idea…all you do is end up trashed.) I was a little bummed that the only people who showed up are the friends I have through work (not that I am not grateful) but, it just would have been nice if my friends OUTSIDE of work would have come and shown their support. Each one I invited outside of the job were either MIA or suddenly struck down with a migrane of a life time. RIGHT. <insert eye roll here> It turned out to be a fun time though and it felt good to play hostess in my new pad. =)

  I have been working really hard at losing weight too. I hate to come off as so unding superficial and shallow, but I was so disgusted by myself that I couldn’t see anyone being attracted to me if I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror, even IF I do have a great personality. HA! I FEEL so much better about myself. I see the changes and I am so proud of the dedication I have shown as well as the results.

 I think about Frank so infrequently now that when some one mentions him or his name comes up he almost feels like a million years ago. A whole other lifetime. A whole other Hanna…

 For so long I moved my life in the direction of his, and even though I had goals, the future still seemed so dark and unreachable. I know that now I have absolutely NO EFFING IDEA where I am going or what I am doing but my possibilites are endless you know? So it feels GOOD to lose weight, have my own apartment, making new friends and meeting new people. I am working at getting back into classes (as I should, I really do not require that much more to finish my BS) and just generally enjoying my freedom.

 The best part is waking up in the morning…making coffee …pouring myself a cup and sitting on my back porch with my feet propped up on the railing. The sun beating down on my bare feet, the warmth of summer and the coffee making me sink deeper into my seat…By the time I finish my second or third cup I feel fully awake and relaxed…and so incredibly happy. I almost wish someone where HERE so I could share my happiness..
It’s my place….my cup of coffee on MY back porch….I wish I could accurately convey the awesome feelings I get just from realizing it. It’s home. =) My very own personal space.

So in case any of you have been wondering…..   I love the new apartment.