Unasked Questions. What To Say….

Well no one bothered to ask any questions. So that probably means no one even bothered to read the entry. Which is fine. No one really takes me seriously or interest in me outside the net either. I tried to talk about it with Frank, and he said he didn’t even take me seriously… So why should they on here? But its cool. It isn’t like I write this for other people. I was just looking for some one to ask me something I would have to figure out about myself. So I guess I will do it on my own. I always feel better when I write in here. I feel so relieved, like this great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. So I guess I will ask myself a question, and try not to be biast in my answer. 

Do You Think You’re A Bad Friend?

   Well for starters, I think I am a pretty decent friend. I try really hard to make my friends feel special, and loved, and cared about. I try really hard not to impose my opinions and just listen, not judge.  I try and be silly and serious and anything it will take to make them happy.  And I know sometimes I may make mistakes, and joke when I shouldn’t, or give an opinion that they may not like or agree with. But thats human. Every says things sometimes without thinking. I just don’t understand why all my friendships go up in flames? Its like we’re sailing beautiful, but then all the sudden we hit some kind of, rock or something and go sailing way up into the air and everything is chaotic from there.  They end so badly, and such bad feelings emerge. Resentment, dissapointment, everything. So then I wonder if it is something I am doing wrong.

With Jessica it was a volcano of bad things erupting. We were so close, like sisters you couldn’t seperate. But she had so many mentally…HAS so many mental problems. Everything is constantly about HER HER HER. But when I needed something, she was never there for me. She came from an abusive home, so I tried to give her, chances I guess? I was extra sensitive to her problems. She wanted to attempt suicide so many times, and I’d find the knives in her hand, tears running down her cheek, and I just wanted to make it all better for her. I would pry the knives away and cry with her. Then she got so jealous of me one summer, because of some stupid summer thing we went to, and my poetry became so popular, and I was getting a little attention…so she became purposely depressed, and suicidal…and crazy…but I forgave her, because I knew things weren’t normal inside of her head. I knew she had grown up kind of spoiled, throwing temper tantrums with her mom to get what she want.  Then she got a boyfriend, and I didn’t hear from her again, she became pregnant and her boyfriend was in a car accident and died, and I looked past our issues and I laid and cried with her, I wouldn’t leave her side. When my father died, I didn’t get a phone call. My birthday, everyone was ina great mood, and Jessica got all pissy and depressed because I was getting all the attention….and finally, after six years of this mess, I was like, SO THE FUCK WHAT. Its my day, why shouldn’t it be about me? So be selfish, unhappy, depressed, whatever you want. Im done. But I still long for the Jessica I had before it all went down hill. Before the relationship between us became so choatic and trecherous. I miss my god daughter the most. I want to shelter her from her mother. How sad is that? I already see Jessica’s traits in her, and not the good ones. And I know with the right guidance she could grow up to be a warm and caring child.

Valerie was the same way. Except she was extremely concieted and self centered and constantly put me down. I tried to ignore it for so long, just look past it and be her friend, because she so often could have a good heart. And I always tried to remember the good about people and look past their faults, because the good is what matters the most. We had a fun time when we were together acting silly, sometimes dressing a like just do be different at school or something. But she started to change, and her insults became a little more hurtful, and I got tired of looking past it. She got crazy violent with her dad when I said I couldn’t be her friend anymore, she turned our little "group" against me, and everyone hated me, talked bad about me. The stupid immature things HS girls can say and do….I never felt so alone in my entire life. Outcasted among my own friends. They laughed at me, and pointed fingers. And when I got mad and exploded, I was the bitch. They believed every lie Valerie ever told them. No one listened to what I had to say….but the Valerie moved, and they wanted to be my friend again. I was so alone and desperate for a friend that I forgave them all.. Candi…Lela…Rachel….(even Jessica at this point, when she was at school…)

Lela and Candi I never got exceptionally close to. I associated with them at school and thats pretty much it. Occasionally we hung out outside of school, but we never spent time on the fone chatting it up or anything deep like that. But when things with Jessica went down hill, and then Valerie, I got close to Rachel. We became inseperable. We had so much in common, our personalities were so similar. We had goals, and plans, and morals and values. We knew who we were and what what wanted to become and what we wanted to do with our lives. We shared clothes, went every where together, did everything together. You couldn’t put a nickle between us. I thought I had found the friend of my life. All that was missing was the love of my life. Once I had that, I would have everything I wanted for the most part. Everything we experienced, we did it back to back and went through it together kind of.  But then we graduated highschool. Her whole personality changed. She began drinking, avoiding me, and when we did hang out together she was constantly on the phone with her boyfriend. For those who have kept up with my diary know how frustrated I had become with her. I can go weeks without hearing from her. When we finally do talk, its because I make the effort. We go out dancing and she’s all over this guy, and totally ditches me alone, at a bar, where I know no one. (I won’t even go into the current scenario because its in the previous entry, so those who care can just read back..lol..) It just all became so much about her her her.  But when I wanted a friend, she’s too busy. When I want to hang out, she can’t seperate herself from her boyfriend…When i wanted to work on our friendship I had to make the effort. And no matter how often I point out the warning signs, and no matter how often she looks in their direction, she never stops to slow down and consider the consequences.

I don’t want to lose her friendship. I don’t want her to give up things to make me number one or anything. I just want a friend. A best friend. A great friend. And I think my worst mistake is wanting that. How I keep up hope that these people change back to what they were, to the friend I once had, when the times were good, and we shared, and it wasn’t so one sided, I am let down. My worst mistake is expecting so much, and then being dissapointed when it doesn’t pan out. But I can’t seem to stop. I keep trying so hard, and forgiving so much. But now I am so tired. I am tired of having one sided friendships alone. I am tired of working around them, and makin

g it all about them. And not speaking up when I am upset, or hurt, or anything. Because it should be about me too. I need to make it about me sometimes. I should stop caring about these people and focus on what I want and what makes me happy. Even if it means writing them off, or walking away. God that tears at my soul just thinking about it. I love and care about Rachel so much. I can’t imagine a life without her in it. She was my best friend for so long. But things are so strained between us. I don’t think things will ever be the same again. Frank says I should just take her for how she is or don’t take her at all. But it feels so much more complicated then that. But am I making it that way? Its so easy for him to say that though. He’s had the same best friend since gradeschool, and they are good to eachother. And thats all I am striving for. But because of my history with friends, it seems as if they are all doomed to failure. I want to know how to fix that. I don’t think I am asking for too much, but perhaps I am. Maybe I should just accept, and be okay with friends who treat me bad, because thats just who they are. I don’t know….but that sure doesn’t seem like the right answer either…Maybe friend’s aren’t meant to last…at least not forever?