To Sir, with love

(After a long 8 hour shift….lookin’ happy huh? lol) 

So as some one managed to point out, I achieved in missing the entire year of 2010 as far as posting entries go. I negelected my poor OD and each day I said, "today will be the day I update!" and then the day passed….as so many of them did. 365 to be exact. I am sorry guys. It is my 2011 resolution to be much better. I am already succeeding by posting two entries in one week! =)

I must say after last nights post I felt really good today. Still sad, still angry, still confused, and still left waiting, but I felt better. I keep a written journal, but it is so much easier to pour everything out when I type because I can say so much more without my hands getting tired…and I know probably most things didn’t make sense, and I rambled, and changed topics, and completely lost my focus other than dwelling on my current relationship status. It felt good though.  I feel like when I am on here I can breath. I can be me and say what I feel and think and it doesn’t matter. I have missed my unbridaled love affair with OD.

Several things happened in 2010 that actually are good news. 1) being my drunk of an uncle moved out last August. I think part of my not writing had a lot to do with him. I spent so many months in a down mood because of him. I was angry and moody, and avoidant. If I wasn’t working, or in class, I did my best to steer clear of the house. The drinking became nightly, the fights became daily. At one point I thought my mom was going to have a heart attack, which of course turned me into a tiger because..well…that’s my mom and no one hurts my mom! Not that he was hurting her physically, but…I was defensive. That was the last fight they really had. Mom basically told him to get out, and it wasn’t long after that he found a job willing to hire him, and it’s 8 hours away! Thank you Gulfport, MS. for taking my drunk of an uncle and making him miserable to be around, SOMEWHERE ELSE! His car wouldn’t even make it down there. It needed four new tires and who knows what else. A new engine? a new body? So I rented a car hauler (with my own money) and borrowed a friend’s truck and hauled him AND his clunker down to Gulfport myself. After dropping him off at a Shell gastation at 9:00am the next morning, I got back in the truck (which had no A/C by the way, so you can imagine how hot, and sticky it was in the deep south during the hottest part of summer….) and drove my ass home. Dropped of the hauler, the truck, and it was the first quiet and blissful night my mom and I had in months. As miserable as the drive was going down and coming back, I’d do it all again if it just meant getting him out of our house! He hates it there, and hates the job, but after realizing what life is like without him in it every day, my mom realizes she could never let him come back to our home. If I believed in him, I’d be thanking God right now.

One of my escapes came early in the year actually. My cousin (we aren’t really related, our moms are absolute best friends and we grew up together back in California. Really we are more like soul-sisters. No matter where we are in the world, we are always connected.) moved from Ft. Drum NY down to Ft. Campbell, KY when he husband got restationed. We haven’t lived so close since I was 12 years old. Although we have kept in touch, and had visits on rare occasions. They have given me three BEAUTIFUL god-children. Well anyway, Ft. Campbell is a relatively close distance to where I am, and I take any occasion to drive down to see them. I spend a few days and  my "cousin" and myself get some much needed girl time in and we do a lot of talking. I am able to confide in her just as I do on here. And although she has opinions and advice, she never pressures me or tells me what I should think, or feel, or do. She’s just there….It is so neat to see our relationship forming much like her mom and my mom’s did WAY back in the day. She is such a beautiful person inside and out, and it feels good to just, connect with someone. When I get there she hugs me, and she hugs me like she never wants to let go, because that’s how much she loves me. We have come to depend on one another so much that I dread the day her husband gets restationed and they end up in FL or WA. While my uncle was here, I was down to see her every week if I could swing it. I haven’t been down since October when she gave birth to her third child, and I am hoping to go down on the 30th of this month. I have all kinds of presents for the kids I wasn’t able to give them at Christmas…

I have semi gotten into my photography. I really don’t dedicate enough time to it, not like I want to. I am always finding reasons not to do what I really want and then I end up regretting the lost time. There is nothing like the present right? When I went to NY this past summer Frank even gave me another lens. Telephoto…I can actually zoom in and out and not have to struggle to find a perfect distance like I do with my other lens. The other lens takes better pictures though. They come out cleaner. Or maybe I just need to practice more? lol

Today before I left for work I was looking for an adress and I knew I had an old birthday card stashed away with it and during the search I found this envelope from a friend I actually met on here. Sadly, he didn’t keep up his diary and I guess they deleted it. Anyway, he was a wonderful writer. So poetic, and real. I hope he kept copies of his writings, or "ramblings" as he called them. Well anyway, we became friends outside of OD. We chatted on AOL and even though I was dating Frank, this guy really spoke to me. He was so gentle, and kind, and he seemed so sincere. But apparently I am easy to fool so what do I know, lol. I even met him once when I was down in Orlando to support my friend who was performing in the Citrus bowl. I never told Frank I met the guy. Nothing happened of course. We spent one silly night walking up and down the strip. Ate dinner, laughed, just hung out. It was easy to be around him. But I guess he liked me more than I did him….we stopped chatting after I finally told him I didn’t want to give up what I had with Frank. I heard later he became a cop (which is what he always wanted) and got married. He probably has 20 kids by now..lol… Anyway he sent me this ….I dunno what it is..it isn’t a poem…its just his thoughts, written down on a lunch napkin….of course in horrible male handwriting. I read it and I thought, "wow….this guy was at lunch…and he writes to you about his change…three pennies….and how they are aged, and what it must mean….what is the life of each of the coins?"  I thought about posting his "rambling" on here…but then thought better of it. Somehow I think it would take away from the sincereity if I shared with with the world. It wouldn’t be just for me anymore. It brought a smile to my lips though, reading it. Holding the napkin. I thought about searching for him online, but I don’t know what I would say ifI found him again. Other than thank you, for the napkin. And for one, innocently fun night in Orlando…I dunno. Kind of cheesy huh? But give me a break, I was 17! We had our picture taken together. Him 6 foot, forever tall and me 5.6 standing awkwardly beside him..lol

Anyway, dear Sir, you know who you are…I thought we could have a little contest….only I am EXTREMELY  biased so I think naturally I win..lol……I thought you’d appreciate the picture though.

 
She is beautiful isn’t she? My 14 year old feline. She is looking at me like it’s time for me to crawl in bed with her.   I guess I’ll go. (FYI, an example of my ameture photography skills. I think my poor cat is tired of being my muse haha)