Time

So I was driving home last night, and I started thinking about my father. I often do when driving. Its usually late at night, Im alone with my thoughts, and he usually occupies them. I thought how odd it was, growing up without him in my life, I kept telling myself I didn’t care. It didnt matter that he didnt want me, didnt try harder to be my father. I kept telling myself and everyone else he was just a sperm donor. A temporary figure needed to create me. Everyone thought I hated him, and no one could understand that I just didn’t.

But maybe they were wrong. Maybe I did hate him so much, and because I hated him so much, I was paid back with him killing himself. I know that sounds crazy. My mom always said, nothing good comes out of hating some one. And she’s right. I wasted so many years being hurt and angry, and full of this hate, resentment and bitterness, and now I am left with so many unanswered questions. I always wondered if I would be called if he died. If anyone would let me know. If I’d even care. I never thought I would be affected. Not for a second. I thought I’d be like, wow weird, no big deal. Nothing new, never had a dad anyway right?

Its going on year two. I still can’t get him out of my mind, or stop thinking that I was done wrong. He cheated me out of a father by running away and not coming back, and then he’s cheated me again by killing himself. I will never have the chance to have a father, ever. And I find myself still hating him. Still hurting inside because  I wont have the opportunity I should have had. I remember when I got the phone call, how when the words came out I surprised myself by bursting into tears. I kept wondering how I could ever possibly move on past this. And two years later I still feel like I haven’t. I have this feeling that wont go away. I have so many questions, and zero answers.

The night I picked Frank up…we had had dinner, and we were in our pj’s watching X files or something….and this kid hangs himself, and I instantly began to cry….not loud sobbing or anything…but silent, breath taking sobs…I don’t know if he noticed, maybe he did because he asked if I was alright…I just nodded and turned to my side….But I wasn’t…I saw the kid shaking and turning blue, gasping for air..and I wondered if thats what it was like for my dad too. Did he suffer? Did he try and save himself and couldnt? And no one was there to hear him…What was he thinking..did he say he loved me? say he was sorry? anything? I just CAN’T get past it. He’s haunting me…I find myself wondering if I’ve forgotten him….but I haven’t….

But it is so strange how life just keeps on going. It doesn’t look back, reflect, change things. It just keeps chugging forward. I want to do that.  I want to just move on, and forget him…its not like he was ever there for me before anyway….I don’t know why I ever expected things to change. I guess that’s just human, I don’t know.