The Truth Of It Is

I made a huge mistake taking the management posistion.  I know the logical thing to do was to take the job and use the money to save for my move as opposed to just taking a loan and moving to NY this summer. But ever since he told me I had the management job I felt something inside me die, regretting what I had just accepted. I promised Ish two years if he gave me the job and I don’t even think I can make it through one. I am moving as soon as I am able to afford it. I should feel guilty about lying to Ish to get the job, but I don’t. Between he and Lee I have lost any loyalty to his motel. He is a greedy man who only cares about his pocket book, he doesn’t treat his employees the way he should. So I only look at this posistion as a way of helping myself you know? It’s not like I signed a paper contract binding me to this place.

He treats me as if I have no intelligence at all. He calls all the employees idiots, and no good, and has told me twice I am running his motel into the ground. If he didn’t come in every day the place would be in shambles. Yet every time he comes in the place is doing just fine. I know I am doing a great job at my job, but him telling me I’m not is starting to rub me the wrong way. I feel as though I am about to burst and let him have it. What’s he going to do? Fire me? I don’t even care. I am just going to "do my time" and go on about my way. A year’s management will look good on my profile, the money I save will get my to NY and thats how I have to think of it, as a prison sentence. I hate it though. The way I feel. I feel stuck, stranded. Like something else is going to tie me down to this place and I’ll never escape. I feel like I am desperately gasping for air as the water quickly fills up around me. I feel as though I am on the verge of drowning. It’s such a horrible feeling. I think more than anything I wanted the recognition for a promotion, I don’t think I actually wanted it. I am not excited about it at all.

I thought I had a good staff, but we’re still losing people. They work long enough to gain a paycheck and then just vanish into thin air with no warning. Had a no call no show today. Other people, three or four days into the job "call in sick" or ask for a weeks vacation or something. Everyone wants the hours but no one wants to work. I can’t imagine what it’s like to not care, to be flaky and undependable. How do those people look at themselves in the mirror every day and think "now there’s a good person staring back at me. There’s an honest, hard working face." It’s hard to find hope when everyone just vanishes. I was so stupid to take on the roll. It was bad enough before always getting called in, now it’s worse because I have to worry who I am going to put out by asking them to cover shifts. I always hated that being done to me. The few people I have who are dependable are going to get tired of it soon, and I wouldn’t blame them. I am pretty damn tired of it myself.

I wonder too how much of my feelings stem from feeling left behind in some way. I’m the one who always wanted out, to be on my own and independent, and yet I am the only one out of my friends who still lives at home with my mother. Even my own boyfriend is getting his own place soon. I keep telling myself that when it’s time, the wait will have been worth it because I’ll be moving onto an awesome life, but it’s getting harder and harder to believe that each day.

I feel overwhelemed.
I feel alone.
I feel stressed.
I feel hopeless.
I feel so…..unhappy. 

I try to bring myself out of it but I can’t seem to do it. I fake happiness with the people around me. They all think I am excited to be the new GM and am having a great time. It’s such a lie, if only they knew how opposite I feel about the whole thing. To be perfectly honest I find myself driving home from work and I end up on the interstate and am 45 miles out when I realize I am not at home…or on my way home. I was perfectly content with just dissapearing from my situation. I am perfectly content to just walk away from my life hear and not writing home until I am too far away to just come back.

The truth of it is, I made a horrible, horrible mistake. And now it’s too late to go back.