The End. The Letter.

Well I wrote the letter. And unless something else developes in this story, I am putting an end to it. I am moving on. I am still not sure if I am going to give her the letter or not, but I have it just in case. I am leaning towards yes though…anyway for now, here it is:

Dear Rachel

    I guess it is definately due for this letter. Not saying what I have been wanting to say has been tearing me up. Im so tired of the hurt and confusion, that I think I have come to this road in my life where I need to pick a direction and stop turning back down the path I just came from. Im not getting anywhere that way. I am writing this because I know if we were face to face, I would coward down and never really express myself. I also know the thought of saying anything that might possibly hurt you would also keep me from saying what it is I need to say. The only thing I know to do is to write it. This letter isn’t being written to tell you what a horrible person I think you are, because I don’t think that. But this letter is going to be brutal, honest, and if hurtful in anyway, then I guess I will be a little sorry for that. But to be true to myself, I also can’t be sorry at the same time.

    I keep looking back to when we were just girls in Highschool and even all the way back to Junior high. We had so many dreams and ideas. Things that we all shared with eachother that made us close. Values, morals, our hopes and dreams of making it out of Sikeston and making something of ourselves. We didn’t party or sleep around, or let boys rule us. We were so innocent and naieve back then, thinking that we would actually end up that way. But as we got older, we changed. Some of us into people the others didnt like. I don’t know where exactly it went wrong, or what happened to you or me to set our friendship in this direction. I guess I feel like you turned into the kind of girl we always swore we’d never turn into. But I know thats bound to happen. People DO change over time. Maybe I haven’t changed at all and thats my problem, I don’t know.

    Frank seems to think your change has been selfish. I think that word is kind of harsh to describe you, but I know thats because I feel like I should defend you. I should stop doing that and just face the facts. I know I can be selfish too. I want my friends to want me, to make an effort with me, to set aside their "husbands" or "boyfriends" and hang out or whatever…I guess that sounds really immature, and I don’t know how else to explain it. But its very hard for me to understand giving up everything for a guy because he wants you to.You started rebelling against him when Miguel came along and started doting on you. I must admit, I was hopeful that Miguel would open your eyes to other guys who aren’t Steve. I always thought you could find some one better, who wasn’t so suspicious and controlling of you. Those are pretty bad traits. You’re a beautiful girl and you could have anyone you wanted. I also don’t understand how you can be with some one when you’re not happy. My urging you to dump him wasn’t because I wanted you to myself. Although when I look back on it I guess thats kind of how it seems. But you were finding it hard to stay faithful to him, and to me thats a major sign that something is wrong there. Its kind of silly and immature to stay with some one just because they’re comfortable or familiar. But this letter isn’t about you and him.

    When we started hanging out at JD’s and you wanted to be all over Miguel and he you…you would go off with him and leave me in a place where I didn’t know anyone at all, to myself. I forgave that. You were hungry for attention, so I did my best to look past it and focus on the good qualities you can have sometimes. Then when Miguel was an ass to me, I forgave you for not standing up right then and defending me, as your friend of how many years? Some 8 years to a man you’ve known for like 5 minutes. So I tried to give him a chance, because you wanted to spend time with him. And when Frank was here he seemed to do a turn around and treat me more appropriately. But my gut feeling of him never went away. Slime is slime is slime. Rachel of ALL the hurtful things we have gone through as friends, and cried over and forgiven eachother for, NOTHING has been as horrific as what happened last Saturday.

    I cried for your help when he wouldn’t leave me alone, when he wouldn’t stop touching me after I said "no, stop." I asked you to do something so many times and you just ignored me or turned around. I have never felt so helpless or hurt or betrayed in my entire life. I didn’t even realize my hurt for you righ then because I was so upset and angry with Miguel for what he was doing to me. I was so confused as to why you wouldn’t help me, but my anger at him was more at that moment. And then in the car when you dropped me off, you didn’t even seem to care. It seemed like part of it amused you or something. But not once did you say something to stick up for me, your friend. Its like you didn’t care at all. And you KNOW you had the power to make him stop what he was doing. To make him leave me alone and stop touching me in places SO not meant for him. To be honest I hope he rotts in hell where he belongs. I have never hated anyone in my entire life as I hate him. But I blame you too. You should have helped me. I am your friend first. Supposedly a best friend. If even for one second you ever felt threatened by some one and asked for my help I would do everything in my power to help you. To make the bastard suffer. But you did nothing. In the car you seemed more concerned about him getting to his damn room than you were for what he had just done to me. I resent that Rachel. And it KILLS me to resent you in that way. I never for one second thought I wouldn’t be safe around you or your friends.

    But now I know that  I can’t. This hurts too much. More than anything we’ve ever gone through. This makes everything else seem so menial and trivial. I have loved you like a sister, like a dear friend. But I can’t get pass what happened. What he did and what you didn’t do. I can’t even imagine what would have happened had we been some where more secluded. Had he raped me would you have stood by and done nothing? Would you have just said tell him to stop? Would you have stopped caring for one second what was going on with you to care about helping me? I can’t trust you as my friend anymore. I have to know that if we’re ever in a position where I need you, that you’ll be there. Or the other way around. I am not able to forgive this right now. It hurts too much and my anger is far too great. I always let people get away with hurting me. Whenever some one needs me I am right there, but when I need some one everyone seems to just vanish. When you found out Steve cheated on you, I was right there with you hating him, being angry at him, even though you had been unfaithful to him. With Tommy, with Miguel (before you even found out about Michelle….) You may not have done anything with Miguel at that point, but it didn’t look like you were "just friends…"…I thought my friend was hurting and I wanted to hurt him for you. Make him suffer.

    As much as it kills me tolet go, I have to. It hurts too much being your friend. I wanted to write this letter right after it happened, when I was so angry…But every time I started it I went right into all your faults and the things you had done to me. I wanted to be calm, and rational, and fair. I wanted to be mature about it. I think you have a lot of positive qualities in you. But I think I agree with Frank when he says you’ve become selfish. You’re a much more beautiful person when you let the good things about you out. And although I cannot be your friend anymore, I do wish that you find happiness and love, as well as peace of mind and comfort. I will miss the good years we had. But the bad ones that have befallen us are to hard for me to bare. Its making me a person I don’t like. And I owe it to myself to be happy, and to find a friend who is going to treat me the way they want to be treated. I know that friend is out there for me. I think the idea of a friend is more important to some than it is for others…..I think thats the case now. So, good luck to you Rachel. To your sister who has a beautiful soul, I hope she too finds the happiness she deserves. 

–Hanna