The Before

    I haven’t written in here for a few days, and I really don’t have much to say now, but though I should update or something. I have been pretty busy with classes and work. This semester my classes seem much more indepth and there seems to be an abudance of reading. I am always reading! At least it’s interesting stuff this semester. Law, Criminal and Corrections, Women’s Lit (which is proving to be much more facinating than I orginonally thought.) and really the two "blah" classes would of course be math (which I am attempting yet again! but this time I will pass if it kills me,) and Applied Psychology. Yeah, neither of those two really ring my bell. I am still waiting on CUNY to send me information and an application to fill out. It probably wouldn’t hurt to look at other colleges in NYC too. I will have to start filling out financial aid forms again, and I’d like to put a NY school on there! =)

    I have been trying to go over in my head when I should go out there, find a job, a place to live. I want to bring it up to Frank but I know he’s only worried about his last semester at Oxford right now. Which probably makes sense. Get through that before making living arrangements/decisions. It’s good that he lives in NY though, he’ll know the safe areas, not so safe, cheap, not so cheap when it comes time to looking. I have a feeling if I really do (WHEN I really do) move to NY, he’ll live with me. I can’t see him wanting to continue to live with his mom. Not that they don’t get along, but she annoys him. Plus the fact he’ll want to be with me most of the time anyway. But I can’t be SURE of this, so I must still make plans on the assumption I’ll be doing it alone. (It’s all so very exciting and scary at the same time. I can’t even imagine the dump/hole I’ll be able to afford, but I don’t care!) Really, my future there is all I think about. It’s all I truely want.

    The whole working out thing is going really good. I have done it for an hour every day the past five days. Now that all the bad food is out of the house, as of Feb. 1 I can concentrate on eating healthier too! That will be the biggest challenge for myself. Everything that tastes so good to me is stuff I shouldn’t be eating. I have to force myself to start appreciating the healthier things. More veggies and white meat, less breads and pasta. (That will rip out my heart for sure. I don’t know that I can survive without pasta?) It will also mean overcoming my mother’s tempations. When she doesn’t feel like cooking (which is pretty often) she gets pizza or a huge burger from Hardees. As much as I kick myself for it later, I never turn it down. I just accept the greasy, carb, fattning foods she sets in front of me, and think "oh well, I’ll be good tomorrow…"….but then tomorroe comes..and so does another bacon cheese burger and fries…

    I don’t like myself as I am. Frank keeps bringing up how shy I am with him, and I tell him its because I am not used to being so…exposed to another person. 98% of the year is spent by myself. I just have to get used to him. But I wonder if that would be true if I wasn’t so hideously ashamed of myself? If I took pride in who I am and how I look, would I be so shy still? I wonder. But I’ll never get over that "shyness" or "fear" if I don’t learn to like myself first. It’s fine if he appreciates me as I am. In fact it’s great and just goes to show how "not" shallow he is. But what matters is how I feel about me..in me…I am not aiming for super model beautiful, I’d only be constantly let down, but I am just aiming for personal satisfaction. I just hope I find it in myself. I am hope I am not blind to it when it arrives. In the mean time, I just have to learn to make myself accountable. I can’t count on encouragement from other people, I can’t count on them telling me what to eat, when to eat, when to work out, how long to work out. I can’t depend on anyone but myself if I want this goal to actually work. So, between becoming the new and improved, self-satisfied Hanna, and finding a place to live and a place to work in NY this year, I have a lot on my plate I need to fork through….what I need, and what I want…what I don’t need…what it will all mean and cost in the end…