Stupid Girls? Stupid Hanna

Its another beautiful day today! Sucks having to be cooped up in such great weather. I don’t know what I’d be doing if I had the freedom to be outside, but I imagine I would do something…mow the lawn, wash my car, go blow my credit card on a barbe Q grill and make some awesome burgers or something. (The one thing my grandfather gave me was his secret recipe to great burgers..) I am off tomorrow, and I think my mom and I are going to be driving down to Union City, Tennessee to see David. He took a bad fall over the weekend and broke his knee, his shoulder and elbow or something. He’s been spending a lot of time in Memphis I have notice, and I didn’t mention it before but he was battling cancer. He said it went into remission but he’s pretty secretive about his health, so I wonder if it only got worse. Its a whole long story about that, he’s my mother’s ex fiance. They’ve recently started talking, and have agreed they’d make better friends then lovers. Which I am greatful for, because I know he’s a good man. My mom did him wrong in a lot of ways, so I am a bit protective of him. But, thats why we’re driving down, they said he wont need any surgeries because of the broken bones, but he will have to stay in some kind of rahabilitation clinic, or a nursing home for a couple months until he’s back on his feet. Really breaks my heart, he has been the ONE man in my life, well our life really, that has gone out of his way to give us everything we want, even if it breaks him. (Thats how my mom did him wrong, she allowed it to break him…). He has cared unconditionally, and so deep. The thought that something is deathly wrong terrifies me. It has been a long time since I have written about him, so I don’t expect anyone to remember the period of my life where he was a constant, but he’s very important to me. I just hope everything heals quickly for him, but I know it wont, he has a lot of medical problems to be a man of 47. Sigh.

I was watching Oprah today at work, I don’t know if anyone else saw it. It basically was about how Hollywood is shaping the …look, and lives of young girls who are, ordinary compared to Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson, and the girls in music videos. And the teenage girls honestly thought there was NOTHING wrong with trying to be like those figures. I constantly think the pressure we females are under to have perfect bodies, and hair, and looks. We’re supposed to be these, flawless sex goddesses. I look at myself in the mirror every morning, hoping to wake up as one of those girls, some one I can think is pretty and desired. I got really mad at myself for wanting to be like that. You can’t be your own person AND look and act like some one else at the same time, its not possible.  But I think there is a difference to, what I want and what society is calling acceptable. I want to lose weight yes, for ME. So that I don’t get depressed when I try on jeans or swim suits….I want to look and feel beautiful for me, not to impress some one else.  But as much as I want to feel beautiful and LOOK beautiful, I would never starve myself, get surgeries or spend my life savings on every article of clothing that J LO has, just to fit in and be thought of as star-stunning.

I think an average, everyday woman can be even more beautiful because she’s REAL. Even if the rest of the world thinks she’s plain because she’s not decked out in mini skirts, expensive jewlery and hair extensions, she’s beatiful already because she’s natural ya know? And I feel bad for these girls I see walking around my campus, and little girls in elementary school who try to imitate these famous figures of Hollywood. Its no wonder girls are constantly depressed and unhappy with their looks, they’re trying to become the very figure they have put on a pedastool…well, that society has put on a pedastool. 

I know this is going to sound silly but, my boyfriend’s fave actress is Kirsten Dunst. While she’s not overly glam or curvy, she’s very simple, skinny and the girl next door. But you know what I see when I look at her on screen? She’s about as thick as paper, lol. And I start to wonder, if I got that thin, would he think me more beautiful than her? Which is crazy, because he’s with me because he LOVES me, I know that, but that vain side of me wonders sometime if he’d find her repulsive next to me, lol.

Today I went to the store with the intention of buying diet pills. I did, Trimspa.  Its obvious I can’t seem to knock the weight off all by myself. I come from a large (physically) family, whose metabolism is at the speed of a turtle crossing a busy intersection, lol. With the crazy hours I wok AND go to school its hard to keep a good, nutricious balanced diet….and I know it sounds like I am making excuses for these pills, and if I had more free time, the excuses would be incredibly stupid, but, I can’t seem to shake the lbs. off on my own. My mom doesn’t help either, she goes out and buys cookies, and snacks, and junk food, all the things I love, says, "you can go back to being good when these are gone" and thats all fine and dandy, but she does it the next day too, and the next, and the next. And its SO hard for me to just say no, and ignore the goodies sitting on the counter.  I beg her not to do it because I know Im weak, but she does it anyway. So, I need assistance, I need help from something or some one because I can’t achieve it on my own it seems.

I just found it amusing how Oprah’s very show was over the same inner conflict I have been battling, and here I have gone out and bought DIET PILLS, to assist in getting the look i want for myself. lol. I remember thinking poorly, and making fun of the girls in HS when they would take dietpills to get back to their perfect figure that was disrupted by like 3 pounds, lol. And here I am doing the same thing I picked on them behind their backs for.  I thought I was so much stronger and mature but maybe not? Lol. I know its not the smart way to go about losing weight, but I know me, if I can see and feel the results, I will work harder to keep up the good work.  I just don’t want to feel like I have to hide what I am doing….I know if my mom knew she’d blow a gasket, but she doesn’t help in making it easier for me, so….it has come to this.    However, when school lets out, I do plan to start jogging. I bought some jogging shoes today too, and I’d like to break them in when I have the time.