Stuck between a Rock and a Hard Place

           I know every time I come in here to write it is just to complain. I try and stay optimistic about things but as the days go by it gets harder and harder to do.Things at the motel are not going well. Ish (the owner) comes in every day and yells at me, and in simple words and his broken English tells me I am a failure as a manager. To be perfectly honest I am not sure what I am doing wrong since I am doing everything the old manager did AND THEN SOME. Lately I just come home so tired and frustrated the only release I find is in crying. And crying isn’t something I do usually. I am doing my best, more than my best at my job and it’s never enough. I know Ish thinks women are inferior to men, and he talks down to them, and treats them like slaves. But I am not going to take that you know? I’m tired. The past two weeks all we’ve done is yell at eachother and I have never yelled at anyone in my entire life. I honestly wish he’d fire me. I know because I want him to he wont. I also think he’s going to go back on his word when my 90 day thing comes around and I am do for a raise. Part of me wishes he would so I’d have an even better excuse to just walk out. I want to anyway. I’ve stopped caring about my job.

To make matters worse, I have been trying to register for online classes or even night classes and they’re all closed. The only classes I can get into are day classes but I can’t take those because I work from 7-3 every day. So do I quit my job and find another one that is going to allow me to finish school? Or do I forget about school right now and work at a job I hate? Either way I need to work because I need money, and I need to finish school because it’s important to me to finish my career.  Is missing a semester of classes and putting up with a miserable boss worth it? I just don’t know what the right thing to do is either. I know if I quit all Ish will say  is "I told you so. I knew this would happen." I don’t want to hear that, because I know if he was a half way decent person I would never leave my job. I am a loyal worker you know? But I also know that I wouldn’t be leaving because I can’t handle the job, it’d be because I was working for an ass. I honestly cannot remember being so unhappy, and so confused. I want to be a good person, a good worker, I don’t want to leave a job on bad terms? What would my next employer think you know? That really matters to me. So yeah, classes start soon and I still have to figure out what the best thing for me is. There’s just so much that has happened, writing about it all would take days. I feel so trapped, like I have no control over what is going on in my life and I feel if I don’t grab on and pull myself up I may lose myself forever. Does that make sense? I also feel like the universe is doing everything in it’s power to keep me in this God forsaken place.

Frank is supposed to come out in September now instead of July and right now I am a little hurt with him. He is wanting to get his own place in September, which who could blame him right? He’s making enough to support himself, there’s no reason to still be living with mom. His friend Jen offered him to move into her place and be a roommate. Apparently from Sept. to Dec. she’ll be in Australia or something, and when she comes back she will be working nights. To be perfectly honest I hate the idea. I am not happy about him living with some other girl even if they are just roommates and "not playing house." If I were to bunk with some guy he’d have a bitchfest from here to China and back. Telling me what a bad idea it is, and how the guy would try and seduce me, blah blah blah. So this double standard thing he’s got going on is really getting to me. He doesn’t know if it’s a for sure thing but I’ll be honest and hope the plan folds. I hope it doesn’t happen. Maybe that makes me a terrible person but I don’t care. It also hurts me that he’d so quickly be her roommate but not mine? I asked him too. His reply?

"I don’t WANT a roommate. Jen wont even be around that much so it will be like not having one."
  Sure sure…except she’s off two days a week, and is a huge pot head (so he’s said in the past.) But my thinking is, if you have to have a roommate, why not me? YOUR GIRLFRIEND. So whatever, if he lives with her, he loses a little of my trust, because how can  I trust a guy and a girl to live together and trust nothing is going to happen one night? Or day..or whatever, without at least one of them being gay. The idea really upsets me. What’s even worse is he doesn’t even understand why. Hell, he doesn’t even understand why I am so upset about my work/school delima. For some one who always has logical explanations he was sure dumb founded on this situation.

I just feel so let down. By myself, by him, by life. I feel so alone in how I feel too. I feel selfish. But they are my feelings, and they’re honest you know?  All I want is direction, confirmation of something, anything. Just the feeling of solid ground would be nice.