Secrets

Bothering Me:

            I guess it’s a bad sign when I start the New Year off with things I am not happy about. But really, it’s just to get it all out in the open. To just, get rid of the weight I am carrying, a little at a time. So here is the gripe entry #2.

            Frank and I had a great time on our trip. It was thoroughly enjoyable. But two things happened at the end that made my ….well made me more alert. And I am not sure how much of it is just me being over paranoid, or what, but either way it is something that bothers me a little bit.

            Our last day there, we slept in late and then spent the afternoon shopping for other people and getting post cards to mail out. It was a very nice day. We went back to the hotel around 9pm or so. Filled out our post cards, packed our bags up mostly, and went downstairs to mail the post cards and visit the restaurant for dessert. I jokingly peeked at his post cards, and he told me whom they were for, all three girls. One of which he’s known most of his life named Jen. What didn’t bother me was that he was mailing them to friends, what DID bother me though, is the countless time’s he’s gone some where and I have asked him to send me a post card. I didn’t want any presents from that place, or a phone call, or an e-mail, just a post card. But we go to Prague and he sends two to girls he met at school and became friends with and the other to Jen. He said one of the girls had a boyfriend…blah blah blah. But that doesn’t even matter. I don’t understand what warrants THEM a post card after a few years at school, but his own girlfriend doesn’t get one from the other trips he’s taken? I know it’s pretty petty, like c’mon Hanna, he just took you to FREAKIN EUROPE. But it’s just something I noticed. I didn’t say anything to him. He has much better friends. Rob, his BEST friend of all time, Phil, another BEST friend he made at college…..No post cards for them either. I don’t get it.

            The second thing that irked me a bit. On the way back to the states, I forget which airport we were in, I think Belgium. Anyway, he was showing me the place in his passport where Turkey was stamped/stickered. So I am like wow! Cool! So I go to flip where the stampings begin in his book to see all the places and he takes the book away from me and shoves it in his pocket! He tried to laugh it off but that REALLY upset me, because then I felt like he was hiding something. Like what didn’t he want me to see? And when he knew I was upset, he didn’t say anything, and he knew. I told him I was upset. But he still didn’t show me. If he had nothing to hide, he’d let me see his conquests (trips) right? So yeah, that bothered me.

            It is hard to have a long distance relationship if you can’t have trust. I feel our entire relationship has been built ON TRUST. Like, other than communication online, it’s all we really have right now you know? So, for 4 + years I do my best to trust him. I see all my girlfriends go through guys they can’t trust. I see what happens to them, what’s going on when they don’t even realize it themselves. I trust Frank, and I want to continue trusting him, because I feel I am lucky that I can. But he can be so secretive and vague, that it just gets to me. I feel like he leaves a lot out. Sometimes he’ll share tidbits of things about him, and I am like, “wow, this is new? When did you do that, or go there, or ….etc..” you know? Like every time he tells a story it is brand new to me. (For the most part.) 

            He doesn’t let me get away with being vague or secretive. He’ll bug the crap out of me until I give in and tell him. But that doesn’t happen very often because I always tell him everything. I never make him wonder or question me. I think it should be that way for both of us you know?  And it isn’t just these two isolated instances either. It has happened quite a bit before these two times.

            Don’t get me wrong, I love Frank dearly. I know he loves me, he shows it in so many ways. I know it’s his nature to be protective of himself, but sometimes I feel like he’s TOO protective. I feel like I still don’t know so many things about him. That bothers me. Like, I could care less who he sends post cards to. He’s entitled to his friends.  Sure it bothers me that two of the girls (that he says he met at a pub) I’ve never heard him mention before in my entire life…is getting a post card from him. (Actually, I don’t think the front desk even mailed them, ha ha, because the 5 I sent out still haven’t made it to any of their destinations!)

            I think from now on, I am just going to try to be a little more vague with him. Not too secretive to where it causes problems, or plays games with our relationship. But just enough so he can wonder what’s going on with Hanna. Maybe realize it’s not so cool to be left out of the loop you know? A little mystery never hurt anyone. I want to tell him how I feel about this stuff, but I know him, he’ll just tell me I am crazy, and move on to the next topic at hand.

            He does do so many good things for me. I am not making him out to be the worst boyfriend ever. For everything he’s secretive about, he does something good to me, or for me, or with me.Like he’s making a book with our pictures from the trip in it and having it published. And when we got back he even said, "I know you wished I was more cuddely on the trip.." Which is odd because I never said or acted like I wasn’t getting enough attention. I did feel he wasn’t as affection as I thought he should have been after not seeing me for 7 months, but I never let on to what I was feeling…. But there is still something …a feeling I have, that I can’t seem to shake off about him. Just when I think I have shaken it off, something else is a “secret” or vague answer.  How much of this is just seeing my friends go through jerks who lie and cheat and I have just made myself …..so….guarded? Not trusting of others? Even some one I have been with for 4+ years and love too much??? I wonder if I am just much more se

nsitive to it because my friends have all had such bad luck with guys…so now I just instinctively can’t trust anymore. Sometimes that’s what it feels like. Later these may seem like very petty issues to myself, but right now they do bother me, and make me wonder…..What could be in his passport that he doesn’t want me to see? It can’t be his picture, he’s scanned that and showed it to me….So I just don’t get it…