Past Due

Well its another Valentines Day gone by. Another one spent AWAY from Frank. It sucks. Not that we’d really do anything exceptionally romantic, but at least we’d be together. But I had to work anyway. My mom brought me dinner and a couple little V-day gifts…even a litle chocolate. I had one piece and it was definately heaven in my mouth…I felt fireworks exploding..water rushing, butterflies fluttering…lol..but I must pace myself. Savor them, enjoy them, make them last. Don’t blow my diet on Valentines. And I would like to add, I have lost 9lbs since starting my diet!!  I have that to be proud of.

When my mom came by I told her what happened Saturday. She’s pretty furious and the first thing she said is she wants to go to the police. But I don’t see what good it will do.  I don’t have evidence, just my word.  In the middle of my telling mom my cell phone rang. I didn’t check to see who it was until later and it turned out to be Rachel calling. But I have no desire to talk to her. I just get disgusted when I think of her and what happened that night. Poor Frank feels so bad. He knows I am upset and has no idea what to do or say to make things better or easier for me. I don’t even know. I have tried to change my moods to happier around him. I know he can’t do anything from so far away and I don’t want him to feel bad for something he can’t change or fix.

My mom doesn’t want me going to Jd’s again. I can’t see myself going again unless I had a body guard or something, haha. I certainly wont be going with Rachel anymore. If I can’t trust my well being around her or her "friends" I can’t be around her…I can’t forgive her right now anyway. I think its best I parted ways with her. It kills me to say it, my heart tells me not to. But I know its the smart thing to do. This is the second time she’s called me though. To be honest, I am not even curious as to why.

I can’t change the fact that the friends I have made have pretty much turned into scum. I can only look back on the days when we had so much fun as girls, and then wonder where it all went wrong. What moment did we all change so dramatically into the people we swore we would never become. I don’t think I have changed. Sadly I think I have remained the same and that is why it pains me so bad to see the changes they have made. Into people I can’t even relate to, feel safe with or admire. But I think it is time for me to move on. Even if it means me being friendless, thats okay. I remember what my uncle said to me when he was down last, "keep the negative people out of your life hanna, and you’ll be happier. But don’t lose compassion for them either." I think now I know what he means. I think he means to love and care for them, but at the same time seperate myself from their negativity, so that it doesn’t effect me. But I am not really sure I know how to do that. I know what he’s saying I guess, but it sounds so much easier than it is. Because when I care and love them, I want to be a part of them.

But I have to grow up and learn to move on and forget the past. It’s holding me down, and away from the future. I have to face the facts that sometimes relationships go bad and way past their expiration date. Its definately not safe to keep myself in them….