New Experiences

   I am going to do my best to keep up with this thing again. I always find is so theraputic to write in here, but I just never get around to it. I know I would be a lot less stressed if I did too.

    Things on the relationship front are okay right now. I still feel myself having a lot of mixed feelings about being mad at Frank and not being mad at him. He acts as if the big revelation never happened, probably so that there is some sense of normalcy, but I cannot seem to do that just yet. I still have so many questions that I want answered before I feel I can really move on from this whole ordeal. We talk daily and everything feels the same and doesnt. I don’t know how to describe it really.

     He says intimate things and I feel myself shying away from them. I hope that is something I will be able to move past in time. I am sure getting to the bottom of things in a few weeks will help make or break us. I am not really sure. I know I love him, and want to continue on, but I also know that we need to sit down and have a serious face to face conversation about EVERYTHING. I don’t want to bombard him with questions the second he gets off the plane, but I am pretty impulsive and will probably do that anyway, haha.

I know marriage and kids are important to me. I know I want those things in my life, and I am not sure if he does, so that is something we definately need to discuss. I think after 8 years I am entitled to that conversation, because my future is important to me too. I know meeting people he knows is important to me, and I don’t want to feel kept seperate from that part of his life anymore.

I know we WILL discuss this bit about his having a daughter. I am not sure on the circumstances of that situation, but if he is just out of contact because he feels the whole thing was a mistake, then that really isn’t going to fly with me. I have such strong feelings about father’s not being around for their children, and I don’t think I could have a child with him, have him help in raising it, knowing there is some little girl out there who may or may not be missing her own daddy. I want to know all about that situation for sure. I can assume it wont be easy for him to talk about, but a part of me doesn’t care. How do you keep something like that from your partner for so long? I had …HAVE a right to that information. It affects me too.

I guess I just want all the skeletons out of the closet before I feel I can truly make a desicion about how to proceed. I am not sure when I will find the time to write in here and update with him visiting. Unless I take time out at school like I did today. I dunno. I am just impatient for more answers, and the 8th cannot get here fast enough. Aside from saying anything on here, the only people I have told have been my mom and Rachel. I am not sure it’s really needed to tell anyone else unless the subject just came up you know? I don’t want anyone to think bad of him, or think I am retarded for ignoring so many signs for so many years, lol. I don’t want people to give their advice on what I should or shouldn’t do, and get mad for not following it. I am bad about that, haha.

Anyway, on a different note. I am very pleased to say I am now considered a freakin’ SENIOR in college! Woohoo! So one year left and I am out of this place. I can’t wait! I really regret not switching my major to criminal jusitce back when I first considered it, but that’s okay. Having a Psych degree first isn’t SO bad. I also can major in CJ when I head to grad school and just have to bachelor degrees and a masters in Psych. I can go pretty far in either direction, and can find a solid career wtih those degress, so I am not TOO bummed. Though I do find much more enjoyment in my CJ classes than I do my major. But oh well.

This semester I actually get to do some "hands on" work for my Community Corrections class. I was hoping to do a work study in the Probation and Parole department, but too many students signed up for that one and I wasn’t able to get in. So I am doing my work study in the Family Drug Court. Which, really, to me is kind of dull. I really have very little sympathy for drug users who lose their kids and complain about it. I really have sympathy for their children, and feel they are probably better off in a different environment. I don’t know, maybe I am going into this experience with preconcieved notions and will change my resolve after I have spent some time in the program.

My first sit in was yesterday. I met with lawyers and caseworkers prior to meeting with the judge and mother’s/father’s of these children. They go over the treatments and satus of each parent and home life before we head into the teeny, tiny, cold court room. There the judge basically goes over what the lawyers and caseworkers reviewed prior to court with the individual, and the head of the Family Drug Court deparmtnet kind of gives advice and tells the person what their next step should be.

Most of these people were female, naturally, and most of them were very young with the exception of two women. Most of them had obvious resentment at being there and didn’t seem too nice, but I guess why would they? They all probably come from low income backgrounds, abuse, substance abuse parents or relatives, and very dramatic and chaotic lives that is all they know.

I am hoping to come out of this experience with empathy for the individuals and respect for the people who are in charge of getting these train wrecked lives back on track. I mean I respect them already , but I don’t envy their job, lol. I guess some one has to want to do it though, right?