Math Failure

I am so sick of math equations. They make me feel like the DUMBEST person on Earth. When am I ever going to need to know when 3X(squared)4Y(cubed)-18x=(17X-4Y+3)  ????? This is outrageous. I don’t understand why I can’t do a simple math problem. Give me History,English, Psychology,Law…and I can be logical, but you put numbers in front of me and any neurons I have in my brain vanish. POOF. I think the only thing keeping me just above passing is the fact my teacher may in fact pitty me, or she’s pretty lax. We had a test today, and I was looking over some practice problems I did last night. They were okay, I thought I was pretty much ready for the test. So she puts out the test, and the problems on it looked NOTHING like what the chapter study guide looked like. I am almost sure I failed it. Well, thats a lie, I am VERY sure I failed it. I would get tutoring if I ever had time. After classes its time for work, after work its time for bed, then its time for classes again.  This is so frustrating. I feel like a complete idiot. I mean I know I am smarter in other areas of study, but why can’t I be at least OK at math? Is this because I wasn’t brast fed? lol Jesus.

On a brighter note, its pretty outside. A shame I have to go to work. I don’t know what else I would be doing but it’s just a shame I have to go to work! I haven’t heard from Ben since he told me he was going to become a father in a few months. I am not really surprised. I figured the day would come when we would stop talking. I hate to see it, I’d like to continue being friends forever, but sometimes I guess you have to move on. Despite his many problems I am sure he will be a great dad. He is full of love and he likes to provide for people. He’s not really happy or in love with the baby’s mother, but he will stay with her, because he thinks its the right thing to do.  He knows they will have a miserable relationship, but he’s willing to stick it out. He has thus far!

Frank shared a little bit of himself with me last night. Told me about the first time he lost his virginity and how guilty he felt over circumstances. (He was 13, she was 16 and a victim of her father, which he didn’t know until after the fact). He was in such an open mood I wanted to ask him all kinds of questions. But after like 3 he changed the topic and went to make dinner, heh. Sometimes he does that. Lets me in a little bit to how he feels, or experiences that pains him. Things in life that pains him in some way. He is always honest with me, just not always so, forthcoming with information. I think he is a lot more, comfortable with me than he is with most people. I know he tells me more than he ever would his parents or casual friends or anything. He has a best friend, but I don’t think he always shares everything with him…He’s very reserved when it comes to personal things. But last night was nice. It felt good to be let in for a little bit. I think of how he is now to how he was when I am met him and I realize the gradual change has been a big one. Not that he needed changing. But I guess I brought out the, warmer side of him you could say? Which was a little needed to be honest lol. He’s going to Scottland with his dad in a week, for 2 weeks. I am gunna miss him so bad I will be EXTREMELY ready to see him on the 16th!

My grandfather is moving back to Missouri. He just had his 1 yr anniversary with his wife (my grandmother died Jan 04) and they aren’t getting along to well. However he’s a difficult man to live with. Not even I like him. But they dated for 3 weeks before they rushed into getting married and she had no idea what she was getting herself into until it was too late.  He’s very controlling and demandings. He’s so used to a woman like my grandmother who took his abuse, this new lady is very independant and out spoken.  Needless to say they clash. He’s has been pretty horrible ever since I can remember. I am not sure when he comes back if he will try and take the house away from my mom and I. It is still in his name, so its not like we’d have much say in the matter. But he has no furniture to put in the house, and no money to buy any, so it’s not like he’d really need the home back. He’ll probably just move into his mother’s house with her and continue to go crazy. This past mother’s day, his wife gave me 5 dollars to run to the store, (even when I told her I didn’t need her money, I would pay for it). Well my grandfather saw, and after everyone went home later, he threw a fit saying I manipulated the money from her and that she had no right to give me the money and blah blah blah. She told him she worked for her money so she could spend it how she chose. The fight escalated and he told her to go back home to IL and he took off! Came back and said he almost jumped off the bridge. Almost? Why not just plunge? What stopped you in midjump? Well my mom and I went back over to my grandmother’s house (great grandmother) where they were staying and walked in and my grandfather got up to hug my mom andme. I just turned my back on him and he flew off the handle again.

My mom was like, have you lost your mind? She JUST lost her father to the stupid act and now you want her to act like its ok? For her to forgive you? He’s like I have nothing to live for..nothing..pitty pitty pitty. Its always drama with him. Always about him. This is just a small portion of how he ALWAYS is. I don’t want him in my blood, I don’t want to be anything like him, ever. I feel bad for his wife. We didn’t get a chance to warn her, to let her know. But I guess if they had both been mature adults, they would have waited to marry just a bit longer. Shrug…I sound cold I guess. But I don’t know another way to feel about him. There’s so much more to this story, and my life time of knowing him that I just know I don’t like him.  I don’t want anything to do with him. And that makes me sad, every girl should have a grandpa she adores. When I was little I remember adoring him, and then I’d see him make my mom cry, and then thats when the despising started…just a little at a time until it escalated to how I feel now. Sometimes, I see myself behaving like him, or thinking like him, just in the smallest ways. And it scares the hell out of me.