Its the dawning of the age of Aquarius…

Well, just 2 weks left of classes and then finals, hoorah. I got an email back from my advisor, finally willing to meet me in the middle and stay a little past her office hours to give me five minutes of her time. She also apologized for my treatment by the department secretary. Apparently things have been stressful for her, (big whoop who’s job isn’t stressful right? lol) and is perhaps that it why she got testy with me. It sounded like a cop out on her behalf, but I accepted the apology anyways. The important thing is, I can finally get to business on enrolling in fall classes! I’ve lost so much time already, and I am dreading how difficult its going to be to get into the classes I want now that I past my seniority deadline to all the incoming freshman/sophmores.   I did miss today though, classes I mean. Last night I had this horrible headache that would just not go away no matter how hard I tried, and I woke up with it this morning. So I took some more tylenol, (which I hate popping pills for every little ache, but this pain was…persistant) and did my best to lay very still until I felt it ease up. It eventually did, which I am glad, althought Lee said it wouldn’t have bothered her if I had missed, I couldn’t afford to miss work too.

I feel really bad for Frank too. He has been putting his heart and soul into this movie for his film class and he’s having a lot of problems with it. I guess in some parts of the film shoot they didn’t have enough lighting so theres some darker patches and he is pretty upset about it. He’s a perfectionist and he only wants his film to be the best of the best. He’s very passionate about it. Which is one of the things I love about him. When he sets his mind and heart on something, he doesn’t stop until its perfect. Until he gets the results he’s desiring. But its also something that brings his mood down too, when he can’t make something perfect like he wants to.  I have decided right now is not the time to nag him, because now I realize he’s stressed out over this movie, and its not that he doesn’t want to plan our vacation, but right now his priority is this film and the class. So the nagging can wait a little while longer, when he doesn’t have something else requiring so much of his attention.   He’s been really nice to me today though, lots of compliments and told me about his dream he had about me last night. *blush*  It was some dream too! He woke up right when things started getting good ha ha. Always happens to me. Right when it gets…exciting the stupid alarm clock starts buzzing. I feel bad for getting so impatient with him though. I guess in that way we’re alike. We want what we want when we want it. Thats probably just our age or something, lol. Hope we outgrow that trait!

I also mentioned before how I got reaquainted with an old friend, Valerie. And how she had added Rachel to her friends list, and I told her that it didn’t bother me they were in contact, well….I lied. It appears they have been talking more and more, and it makes it harder to just cut the losses with Rachel. I go to Valerie’s site and there’s all these messages all over her page from Rachel and everything, a little part of me gets posessive. Which is TOTALLY immature on my part, but its how I feel anyway. And also there was this little "game" going around myspace that told you to post one word describing the person who sent you the game, and Valerie put.."lively" on mine and "beautiful" on Rachels….The stupidest feelings I felt..lemme tell ya. I tried to be grown up about it and not let it hurt my feelings. And for the most part it doesn’t, but I’d be lying if I said I was totally unaffected. How can some one as ugly (on the inside) be so beautiful? And how come I am just…lively…?? I know thats crazy, and I am taking this way too much to heart, I know that. I see myself doing it, and I know how stupid of me it is to do so, but I can’t help feeling jealous. I don’t care who Valerie’s friends are, but I don’t want Rachel to be one of them, lol. I already feel so….alone already, and its like the one friend I thought I could become close to, has to be shared with HER. The ultimate let down.  I also know from past experiences, and from how hellish Valerie made my life in highschool by spreading vicoous, catty rumors about me, that I am going to keep this on a completely….hello, hows the weather, relationship.

I cannot set myself up to be hurt again. And by allowing her comments and new found friendship in Rachel get to me, I realized I was taking it to heart already. I can’t do that.  I can’t trust people with my heart and feelings, so I have to learn to keep them out of everything. I realize I do it because I am just so..desperate for that one special friend, that life long friend where your kids grow up together, and you have this bond that nothing can sever. I know thats what I am searching for. But untilI find it, I know I need to keep myself at that, "I don’t care one way or another" distance. I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve, and I just can’t..be so desperate that I let myself get too close only to be hurt. So I am just going to get over my over-emotional, silly feelings of jealousness and posessiveness and move on. Teach myself to be just, "an aquaintance."  I think I can do it. I’ve been screwed over enough, lol.

I have to keep telling myself I have a great boyfriend, a cat and my mom, and a I have a job and school, that should be enough to fill any void I may have. =) Keep lookin’ on the bright side. I only have another year to endure.