“It’s in the way you move me…”

Today was (is) a rough day to chug through. While I was online searching ways to fix my poor Cherry (netbook) I decided to search Frank’s online haunts and see his activity. Some showed no activity for months while some showed his log in as frequent as yesterday. I guess what I am doing is borderline stalking, but I know really all I am searching for is answers and closure. I refuse to think of myself as the crazy, jilted girlfriend who is seeking revenge..lol     Although driving myself to NYC to knock on his door and see his face when he (may or may not) answer does have a certain appeal…

There are some days that go by where I am seemingly ok. Of course I think about him, and us, and everything else but I manage to get through days in good moods. Then there are days like today where I break down pathetically in the shower. And outside the shower. And on the way to work. Coworkers and bosses ask if I am okay, but I just explain away the puffy eyes as allergies. If they think any different they don’t let on. But that’s okay with me really.

I have sort of confided in a coworker, and she gave me some interesting advice. “Always be the one who loves a little less.” Apparently people don’t have the power to hurt you as much if you do that? I am not that kind of person though. I don’t just love anyone. I don’t get close to just anyone. When I actually let myself get close to someone, trust them enough to love them and let them know I love them (and not even romantically necessarily) I go full steam ahead. I don’t hold back. So I don’t know if I could be that one person who loves a little less…who cares a little less…who feels a little less.

I was thinking today, how long it would take before I find a box and put everything in it that reminds me of him. The pictures, the trinkets, the little things I got because he inspired me to get them. I went to open up a file today and I forgot that they were all pictures of me and him this past summer in NY. I closed out of it as fast as one would remove their hand from a hot burner. I just don’t know what to do with all these feelings.

I don’t want this poor OD to be only full of my saddest times, and I don’t want to encourage myself to obsess on my feelings and drive myself crazy. It’s hard to remember all the good though, about him, about us, and think that there wont be more. That all of those moments led to this one right now. I gave him a pocket watch one Christmas. I had it engraved with the year and our initials. Anytime I saw him he had that watch. Even after it stopped ticking (it wasn’t the most expensive watch in the world..) he carried it with him. What becomes of that?  These small things rattled around in my brain and somehow my brain tells my heart to swell with more sadness than I think it can bear. It’s times like this when I think of that advice my coworker gave me, and I wish…just wish I was the one who loved a little less. Because then those small things…the stupid pillow he had made for me, the heart mardi gras beads he gave me the first time we met that hang in my rearview mirror (much faded now), the pictures that sit on my fire place mantle that have him and I in them….they wouldn’t mean as much. They wouldn’t affect my every waking thought.

After years of being with someone that happens. They affect your life in EVERY SINGLE WAY. Down to the foods you eat, movies you watch,  how you dress or wear your hair or behave and think in general. They influence you. Some would say that you shouldn’t change who you are for someone else, but we all know we do. I am not even talking in instances of romantic partners. The people you let in to your lives, shape the person you become. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without certain people affecting me so.

I just feel horribly alone in this whole mess. My mom avoids the topic as much as possible. I know she has no words that will make me feel better, and bringing it up means dealing with my sadness and I think that scares her. Because as mom she just wants him to suffer for what he’s doing to me, so those emotions are better left untouched. My best friend is so wrapped up in her new marriage and now new baby, she doesn’t think about much else. I don’t blame her. She’s happy, and I know she doesn’t want to think about anything else other than how happy she is right now. I haven’t talked to her in months. I saw her in October after the baby was born and it was like we had nothing to say to each other. Although I was happy for her to be a new mom to a cute baby boy, I just couldn’t relate to her. She had no words of comfort or advice, she just bashed Frank so I just stopped talking about it to her….and eventually I just stopped talking to her once I came home.  We’re at such different places in our lives right now you know? I know friendships go through that. Even the best of friendships…
I have casual friendships that don’t go father than “friend dates” and “movie nights.” Who can I relate to that is has gone, or is going through what I am this very moment you know? So I don’t talk about it to anyone. That just leaves this place. OD seems to be a perfect haven for demons I guess.  =)

I am going to see my “cousin” and God-babies on Sunday. It’s the oldest one’s 4th birthday and she’s been begging her Nima (she couldn’t say Nina when she was learning to talk but she knew how to say Nemo..I think she just got confused…and it was too cute to change) to come visit. They have an endless supply of uncomplicated and unconditional love to give and I just want to lose myself in their hugs and laughter. The middle guy, he’s very stand-offish. It took him a long time to “warm up” to someone new. He’s very selective in who he goes to, or allows himself to trust, even at 2 1/ 2 years old. Either way we have developed a very special bond and I adore the hell out of him.  It will be nice to get away for a few days. To get lost in their chaotic army life and forget about my own here….

I am definitely counting down to Sunday…..

"Thoughts meander like a
restless wind inside a letter box
they tumble blindly as they make their way
across the universe "  -The Beatles, Across the Universe