It Was Short-Lived

I guess it has been a little over a month or so since I have written in here. Kitty keeps asking me when I am going to update this thing and I never seem to be able to get around to it! So, here it is.

The good news first. I just got to spend a few days with Frank that have been long over due. Nearly 7 months, which is an incredibly long time to go without seeing some one you’re romantically involved with. It felt so good just to hug him and have him right beside me when I slept. I felt trueley at peace during those times, truely, and incredibly happy just laying there next to each-other. His arms wrapped around me the entire night, embracing the few days we had together as tight as he could. He really does spoil me with affection when we’re together.

Since our last visit (and no doubt due to the amount of stress I have gone through since that last visit) I have put on a few pounds….ok, like 15? Yeah, that’s a lot for me, and it shows. I am not happy about it and since leaving my other job I have been trying to work it off. He noticed though, and in the begining he commented on it quite a bit. Not in a bad way, like making fun of me or expressions of disgust. He kept asking me if I was okay, like is there/was there something wrong with me to put on the weight, if anything he appeared worried about me and my health. I didn’t really want to talk about it, which I think made him more curious as to what was going on with me. I kept avoiding his questions though. I know part of him worries I will turn out like my mom (who since birth was pretty much destined to be overweight and she never did anything to change her destiny.) It weighs on my mind too, which is a large reason I found myself scared to talk about it I think. Anytime I tried to answer his questions I’d feel like crying, which is pretty irrational but sincere none the less.
His reassurance felt good to hear though. "You know, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I still love you. I just want you to be ok.."

I hated that he noticed though, that it made me feel less beautiful for him, and made myself esteem just that much worse. Which is crazy because he didn’t act like he desired me less, but I desired me less, which I think showed. He kept asking me what was wrong, but he’s no dummy, I know he knows, but he just wanted me to be honest with both of us and say what was on my mind aloud. I can’t blame him for that.

It’s getting harder and harder for me though to do this long distance thing. I love him so much and sometimes I think I can’t possibly love him anymore. The mere thought of him no longer exsisting my life makes my heart wrench and my eyes water. But I am so ready for something more in our relationship, and I know I always said I could be patient, and I think if our future together was talked about I could probably be patient longer. The grown up thing to do would be to just pin him down and ask him, but I don’t want to make him feel like I am just after him for a wedding band you know? I guess what I want to hear him say the most is that this wont be a long distance love forever. That some day we’ll fall asleep and wake up next to eachother for the rest of our lives. Hearing that from him really would do my heart some good. He does so many wonderful things for me, takes me places, treats me to lavish life styles when we’re together, but those things, as nice and luxorious as they are, are just things. I wish I had the heart to tell him all this without sounding so ungreatful. But these feelings do weigh on my mind a lot these days. I think it weighed a lot on my mind while he was here which probably aided in my not so bubbly attitude. I just needed to get it out of me, to make some kind of sense of my feelings and desires. He isn’t one to live in the future or talk "mush." He prefers to live on the day to day, which makes it hard for me to get some kind of answer from him. I think honestly the answer is what scares me the most. Maybe it wont be what I really want to hear….Then what? God…this whole thought process just makes me feel like my entire inside is shattering into a million pieces.

On top of feeling those feelings, I am also feeling a huge sense of regret. Not over him though, over my new job choice. I feel like I was so worried about how I was going to pay my bills and feed my cat and support myself through college that I took the first job that hired me, which just happened to be a hotel. I think I was more excited about being able to get a paycheck than being excited about the job itself. I am not truely happy working in the hotel industry again. I thought I left it behind me when I left Super 8 in September. I am working crazy hours and the people are kind of stuck up here, and I am not getting full 40 hours, some weeks I do, some I don’t, which makes it hard to cover my bills since I was living a 40+ hour life style before you know? I am having trouble making ends meet and I am behind on my bills and credit cards and I feel like I am being swallowed by this big black hole and I can’t climb my way out of it. I am not used to worrying about finances. I was actually doing better before. Everything got paid on time or before time and sure I didn’t have a lot of money left over but I didn’t have to worry about collectors calling me two days after my due date wondering where in the hell their money is. I feel like the choice of taking another hotel job was a sell out and I should have kept looking. I have come to the conclusion that I will continue to work here until I find something that can offer me garunteed hours and a decent pay. Something that isn’t hotel work at all. I wan’t something that isn’t open on weekends or holidays at least. Weekends aren’t even so bad, but what I most of all don’t want is another 24 hour business for a job. I was so stupid to jump in the sack with the first offer that came my way.

It was so hard to come into work tonight. I was entirely unhappy all day. I have been dreading coming to work like I dreaded going to work at the last place I was at.

The high I was on from my get away to AZ was too short-lived. I felt so happy and free from my life here, I wish I could have just started over there. Anywhere, but here. I hate that I am so dissapointed with my life (in the present.) I cherished every moment with Frank this last visit, but it just wasn’t enough, I needed, wanted more. More time, more shared hugs and kisses, more shared meals and showers. More making eachother laugh and hearing his voice when he spoke to me.

I am really not sure where to go from here to be honest. I don’t know what the right move is to turn my life around. My outlook…..

I feel completely, and totally,….utterly scared….