I am simply tired.

       It’s such a gloomy day outside. I normally welcome the rain and windy days but not when it’s this cold out! Of course I am the retard who decided to run errands in flip flops. So now the bottoms of my pants are soaked and my feet are FREEZING. I wish I could say I have

one thing i don’t need
is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i don’t know what to do wit em
they dont open doors
or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars
cuz a sorry

i am simply tired
of collectin
i didnt know
i was so important toyou
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet
for alla the sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called
to say yr sorry
call somebody
else
i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/ didnt meanta/ & how could i know about that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul/ i’m gonna soothe mine

you were always inconsistent
doin somethin & then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well
i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice
& scream & holler
& break things & race the engine
& tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers
& their ways
i will play oliver lake
loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it

i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time
you should admit
you’re mean/ low-down/ triflin/ & no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time
enjoy bein yrself

**« For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Enough« 

Ntozake Shange

learned my lesson but I know I’ll do it again. I hate wearing shoes so the first chance I get to be as close to barefooted I can be I am going to take it, lol. Even in the cold rain. (I wish I could have slipped November in there….sorry Guns N Roses…)

   Anyway the other day Rach sent me a message saying she missed me. I thought for sure she was pissed at me because I have made no effort to contact her in several months….not because I was mad or anything, but just…because. Anyway I apologized for being a neglectful friend and she actually surprised me by admitting the same thing. Even for not prying me more about why I was upset (even though she suspected why).  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat upset that she didn’t persist in finding out what I was going through, but at the same time I know she’s a new wife and a new mother and her priorities are there. I don’t fault her for that really, we’re in just different places in our lives. It’s funny, a few years ago I would have taken the whole not talking bit so personal and we would have had some big fight about it, ha ha. Only we’re so grown up now…adults. She’s supposed to call tonight, to "catch up".  I know she’s going to want to know about Frank (as I haven’t told her anything…) and I am dreading that part. Not that I don’t want her to know and that I don’t want to confide in her, just…rehashing everything. It’s exhausts me to even think about it anymore. My brain and heart are so incredibly tired from it all. 

     I actually decided against sending the letter. The truth is, if he felt anything real for me he wouldn’t have pulled his disappearing act to begin with. His reading that letter isn’t going to change anything. Even if he did feel remorse I would never know. I also know that once I sent the letter I would wait longer, hoping to hear back in some way and I know I wouldn’t. In the end I just sent an E-mail. It was pretty brief. In the end I wished him well and said good bye. And that’s been that. No more searching his websites, I deleted all the links. I took myself off of Skype 24/7 and have removed him as a friend from other sites we were on together. Hanging on to things that remind me of him or trigger memories are holding me back. So that’s where it’s at.   

    Billy will be here next week. We are both pretty excited. I have the days off I requested and I am all set to go pick him up! I am not sure what we’ll do activity wise while he’s here, but I am sure we’ll find something. I considered going to St. Louis over night and taking him to see the Arch, and maybe Lacleed’s landing. He got excited when I told him I had a gun, so maybe we’ll go target shooting. That’s usually a good stress reliever for me anyway haha.

For those who haven’t seen this movie. AMAZING! I think this is Tyler Perry’s best work yet. Barnes and Noble (here) finally had a copy in stock for me to buy. Anyway, when Janet Jackson was acting out this piece I just connected to it…and I keep thinking about it. I thought I’d share. The last stanza..man…I want to stitch that on a pillow and send THAT to Frank…ha ha.

"I loved you on purpose
I was open on purpose…"

man….

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