Frustrating Love

This Week’s Open Diary Theme: What Is the Most Frustrating About Your Life?

            Wow, this is a toughie. There are so many things in my life I wish I could change. Things that cause me major stress/frustration. For example, living in Missouri, working at a job where I am under-appreciated, trying to manage school between work and little sleep, having enough money to pay bills. But you know, the MOST frustrating thing about my life is not material, or time consuming. It’s the fact that (aside from my mother) everyone I love and deeply care about, is so incredibly far away. The hardest way to love is from a distance.

            When we left California 10 years ago I can remember the night so clearly. It was dusk, and as we got out of city limits and into the desert heading east, we were out of the pollution, and it was dusk, and the sky was brilliant shades of pink, mauve, orange and yellows, like the New Mexico desert. It was beautiful. I remember thinking of the move to Missouri as an adventure. 11 years old. All the people we left behind as we drove away in the U-Haul were just waiting for us to come back. I knew we were moving, but it didn’t really dawn on me. But we never went back home. I went back a couple times to visit. But all those people, friends I considered family, that we left behind, were people I had in my life every day. Here I am 3000 miles away from any of them. Birthdays and Christmases have passed, other memorable events have passed, and we weren’t there to share them with one another like we always could before. I love those people, and I HATE that I am so far away from them all. My cousin just had a baby, I was there when my cousin was born (I say my cousin because we grew up like cousins. Our moms are best friends….) and now I have a God-baby I can’t even see.

            Frank might as well be on another planet, he’s not even in the country right now. I plan on moving to NYC this summer, but that is only putting me farther away from the people I love. The move will even have me far away from my mother, whom I can’t imagine not being right there…..I’ve had her to myself the past 10 years. I am torn between starting my own life, and departing this one. Does that make sense?

            I keep telling my mom that she needs to move back to California, so that when I come visit, I can see EVERYONE all at once. But there is no way she’d ever move back there, which still leaves everyone very spread out. I wish I could convince everyone to move east with me, so I’ll have them all with me again.

            I am just tired of feeling like I have lost so much time. I am tired of losing more time. I am tired of missing the lives of these people I love so much. It just doesn’t seem fair that I am given this…ability and chance to love some one, but I have to do it from so far away. My Aunt gets out of prison on July 1st. I haven’t seen her since she brought me back from California when I was 15/16. She’s like my second mom. She’s so far removed from every one, more so than I even am. So I think, I move to NY this summer right? But when? What if I am already there when she gets out? How will I get to her?

            This is kind of depressing. But it is something that has been weighing me down lately. I think about people, I reminisce, and I miss them terribly. It’s so rare that some one finds true, genuine people who care for them just as much as you care for them, I know some pretty amazing people ….all over the place.