ExPoSeD : The Naked Truth

    
Ummm….a pretty much unlike me diary entry. But that’s the point. I keep so much of myself hidden. So here it is…the bareness of it all. Let’s call it, Hanna Undressed, lol

Okay, I think I am going to try and re….word my entry from yesterday.  I felt really scatter-brained and feel like I wasn’t making myself clear. I rushed through it and I feel like I could have expressed myself more/better. So I am going to kind of start over. (?)

     I guess this whole thing became like, an epiphany to me. I find it so interesting how just a few years ago I had never been kissed, or touched, or alone with a boy. Until Frank I only had my girlish fantasies that were mainly made up of what I thought boyfriends and girlfriends do. Kiss, hold hands, go to the mall. Very innocent…I thought thats what it meant to have a boyfriend. That those are the things you did. I knew sex existed, but to me it only existed for girls who didn’t value themselves or their reputations. To me sex was only meant for married people (or people in long term relationships.) Definately not for a young girl (that I was at the time.) Don’t get me wrong though, after many readings of the romance novels, watching of the romance movies, and seeing Patrick Swayze naked in Dirty Dancing repeatedly, definately had me curious about the whole thing, haha. But even then I felt ashamed for those feelings and pretty much kept my "in the gutter" thoughts to myself so other girls wouldn’t think of me as, "one of those girls" you know? I had labled so many that I didn’t want to be thought of in that very same way. I am not sure why I cam about feeling that way, or why I felt I had to keep so many of my thoughts and questions a secret. I guess it was because although I could talk about anything with my mom, sex wasn’t a topic up for question. My mom is very modest, very quiet about her personal life, yet I think when she is with a guy she’s a totally different person. I think my mom instilled those same modesties in me as I grew up.

    Many children have bathed with their mother or father, have seen them in the nude, or whatever, but not me. If I so much as started to turn the knob my mom would scream that she wasn’t dressed and send me running. I remember feeling more embarressed than anything. That I had invaded her….personal space and privacy. Even though I was a young child and really didn’t know better. But I think thats the events that made me the very same way. Very modest and shy. In GYM I would dress before the other girls came into the locker room or long after they had left the locker room. When my mom would try to come into my room and I was changing, I too would yell that I wasn’t dressed and for her to scram (lol)…Even today I have a hard time wearing revealing clothes because I feel it bares too much of myself. I remember my first few occasions with Frank, and being intimate, how I’d steal the sheets and wrap myself in them just to go to the bathroom because I didn’t want him to see me. Even though just a few moments before he saw me much better than I have ever probably seen myself in the nude haha. He was good about not teasing me though. Now I am a lot less modest, but I do see myself when getting out of bed or something quickening my pace to the bathroom so I am out of there ASAP….lol…but that happens less and less I find too.

    There are so many things I have wanted to write in OD about very personal matters, but for some reason I hold myself back from allowing myself to reveal such things about that side of me. The woman side…the intimate side…The side of me that I act like doesn’t exisist so that people don’t think I am some….tawdy (spelling?) whore..lol. I guess what I am most afraid of is losing my innocence. Fully becoming a knowledgeable woman in that department. I really like that quality about me. The idea that part of me will always be a little innocent in some area of my life, and it will be like learning something new you know? But maybe I can always be both? Innocent AND "experienced".  But part of me doesn’t want to be SO innocent that I prohibit myself from…having that freedome of being a good lover [for Frank.] I think that is a large reason that I am OK with having the "artistic" photos taken of just he and I. Because I want to show him (and myself) that I can be that…daring…exciting, "sex kitten" ….does that make sense? But at the same time, be a girl who is sweet, and innocent and wholesome…some one he can be proud to introduce to his parents some day. Surely I am crazy thinking that one side of me will overrule the other side of me, lol.

 
     I think that by sending Frank the occasional snap shots, I am testing the waters beyond my comfort zone. I   don’t want him to think I am a borish prude…and I certainly don’t want to BE a borish prude. (That sounds very English doesn’t it? hehe.) I remember the first week Frank and I became intimate. It was our second meeting, and it was his last night in Missouri. We had just started getting heated up…and he wanted to try another posistion. (It had been a missionary thing all week.) And I was scared. I wasn’t ready to try something new because I didn’t know how it would work, or what would happen, or what he would think of me from that angle or something. It was a mixture of doubts. I remember he got impatient with me and just said "never mind" and rolled away to go to sleep. Then I remember scooting all the way to the other side of the bed, curled up on my side and tears just started to fall. I was mad at him for not being more patient, and mad at myself for being such a wimp. I kept wanting to say Okay, lets start over, I will do anything you want. But then I told myself if he truely cared about me, he’d give me time. I was so, so very new to everything. What felt like an eternity of silence was in fact only a few minutes, and I felt him move up behind me and rub my side, apologizing for not being more patient with me, and that he’d go at my pace. So then naturally I felt incredibly stupid for crying, haha. But I don’t think he ever knew I was…if he did, he never mentioned it. I remember another visit we were cuddled up and he brough that time up, and realize how he was holding me afterwards and it dawned on him how  "fragile" I was. (Which is true I guess.) But after that night, he has been so good about introducing new things with me. I think he realized that just because I trust him enough to take my virginity, he still had to work on getting my trust in trying new things.

     He has been so patient with me, and is so giving and so loving. That it’s because of his scincereity that I feel      okay with doing other things. Trying new things. He would never force me into doing something I didn’t want to do, or he didn’t think I would like. Recently he told me, (which if he knew I was sharing this in my diary he’d probably give me that scolding look he likes to give, haha..) …well okay let me explain how this came about. He was making a dirty joke about something or other, and that had to do with a guy climaxing during oral sex. And I mentioned how that would never happen with us because for some reason unlike most guys, he doesn’t seem to want it that way. That he prefers to climax during intercourse. (Which really is okay with me, haha.) And he said something practical, I forget (naturally lol) …but then he says…."I like climaxing inside of you, because I like to hold you tight when I do it…"..something along those lines. And of course my heart melted, and I realized that by him saying that I truely felt like I had found the most amazing guy. That he thinks of me as his lover and his partner, and not just a girl he courts so he can get some. You know? Like every time we share an intimate experience, to me it will be that much greater because I will remember those words. I think thats why things I used to consider "cheap" acts..or thinking, is a lot different because it’s not just with ANY guy, it’s with THIS guy. This man who has shown me so much of the world you know? Not just sexually, but…there have been so many firsts with Frank.

   I don’t think had it been any other guy that I had let take my virginity….that I would be in this situation. So many people are love-em-and-leave-em types. And maybe I can see the desire for just raw, beneficial, crazy sex, but I require more than that. I know I need that security feeling (that he provides) in order to have those raw..unhibited encounters with him you know? I need to know he’s gunna be there in the morning, watching NY1 and petting the kitty on the bed between us. lol. Is that crazy?  I don’t reget having the thoughts and attitude I did before I met Frank though.  I think it made me wait longer for the right one. I never promised I’d wait for marriage. I know these days thats a hard (no pun intended) thing to do. But I did promise it wouldn’t just be with anybody. Just as the things I allow to happen between us, wouldn’t happen with anyone else. In the intimate sense..he has been my teacher you know? 

    I am not sure why I felt the need to write all of this. It has been on my mind lately, just thinking back to the girl I was before ….and who I am now, and the difference in the two people. And I wanted to capture all of my thoughts so I wouldn’t lose them.  I also wanted to see how comfortable I would be in revealing some of my most…secret thoughts and memories. How comfortable I would be just to let that side of me be prevelant for just a while you know? It feels good to let it out, haha. Tired of putting on a front….I get those needs too!! I think thats what this whole thing has boiled down to. Not being afraid to say, "hey, I got this urge Franky boy, come take care of it.."  Though I am sure I’d blow us both out of the water if I said something like that aloud, haha. Hmmm, but who knows right? Maybe some day! I just may shock him..and show him I can be a little bad..or a lot…who knows what’s in there…there’s been a lot of supression, haha!

***Disclaimer–> The pictures are here to show ….well to show how tastefully modest I am. And by artistic thats what I hope he means too, haha.