Diarrhea of the heart….finally

Well, I can I can start with my usual..”it has been some time since I have last written in here…”   It seems to be my MO to go months and months without updating this thing. I keep an actual written journal and as often as I think about updating this one, I just never really get around to it.

My life has just gotten so disorganized, and unhappy….man….the depression is just astounding. Normally it is no big thing to just, pick myself up after a couple of days and return to the same ol’ bubbly self….but this time? It may require a hell of a lot more. I have even considered therapy, Ha. Imagine that, a Psych major needing a Psychiatrist. Surprise! I went as far as looking up one that my insurance would cover. I called and when the receptionist picked up I said “wrong number, sorry” and hung up.

They are probably just going to try and shove happy pills down my throat anyway. I don’t want that. I loathe dependency on mood medicine. I don’t have a chemical imbalance, my life is just fucked up. Whose isn’t though, right?

I am going on semester TWO of being out of college. I really need to get back into the grove and sign up for classes. I have set myself back an entire year and for what? I have nothing positive to show for that time. It’s not like I had a kid or won the lottery or have been busy saving lives. The goal is though, that after I file taxes I will file for financial aid and go talk to the university and beg for their good graces. Maybe if I see a therapist they can vouch for my temporary insanity or something..lol …. I miss college. I know the only way I can move forward with my life is to actually finish and find a big girl job and a big girl apartment ….and whatever else comes with having a college degree. I feel like such a loser still living with my mom, not in school and just working some job I hate. (F.Y.I   stay out of customer service, people will just make you miserable.)

But of course all this depression just didn’t want up on the pillow beside me one morning. Of course it stems from letting a single person into my life, my mind, my heart, my very fucking essence. Because folks, let me tell you, you do that and you’re screwed. You give a man 9 years of your life, you forgive him 8 years of a big fucking lie (not forgetting mind you) and keep loving him, keep needing him, making him aware that you’re not going anywhere because you know how much he really loves you despite his fuck up…and then he disappears. Going on 4 months now.

He isn’t dead though. His cell phone may go straight to voice mail, and he may not answer your e-mails, or log onto some frequent sites he uses, but you still are able to find evidence of his being alive…online, in the world. Said he was going away for “work” and wont be able to have contact with anyone.  

Sigh.   I am really dumb huh? I love and miss him, and I hate and despise him, all at once. The whole thing just consumes my entire mind. I drive to the store and don’t even remember stopping or turning in between point A and point B. I see break lights in front of me and just react. I have made no effort to contact friends because I don’t want to hear “Where is ___?”  “have you heard from _____” or my personal favorite, “You need to just move on and find someone else.” If only it were that easy. Do they realize how much baggage I am going to be taking with me to that “some one else”? Let alone to trust again.

I stalk him on the Internet. I look at sites he always uses. I have only sent like, 4 emails the entire length of his absence, but I am checking my email constantly for a response. I keep logged into Skype when I am home and when I leave the house I log in via the phone….I dream about him….and some days I even get this butterfly feeling like “this is the day he’s coming back.” Only he doesn’t. Another day goes by without word…with contact…

And if he really is “working”, he has to know what this time has done to me. How it has made me feel crazy and alone…I really want to believe that he is being honest. I can’t ….I don’t want to believe that he could be so cruel as to just disappear like that from my life. From our time together. Because what does that mean for our past? Every memory…every touch and private laugh..private moment…I just don’t want to believe it meant less to him than it did to me.

I see what outsiders see. I get that he abandoned me…I get that I should move on…grieve and move on…I see the inconsistencies in his stories, and his ability to avoid telling me truths…I am not blind to his behavior…and I don’t condone it. But it doesn’t make what I feel for him any less…It doesn’t take away that love, it just saddens it you know?

I know there will come a day when I stop waiting…..when I stop looking for evidence ….when I stop hoping he’s going to come back and tell me it’s just a big misunderstanding and that he’s so sorry I went through what I did….and I am horribly scared for that day. I don’t want to stop hoping…because what happens if he comes back then? When I have moved on ….and maybe fallen out of love? I know I can’t wait forever..but my heart wants to….it wants to just wait for him…

The waiting is breaking my heart though. The waiting is pausing my entire existence….it’s driving me crazy.

Maybe I should just call that doctor back….heh…

*exhale…*