Deprived *—Updated—*

Apology in ancient Greece didn’t mean sorry, it meant explanation.  I found that out today in my Vice and Virtue class and thought it quite interesting.   It makes sense if you think about it though, when you want an apology from some one, its not really the words "i’m sorry" you’re seeking, but rather a reason why they did whatever it is you want a sorry for!  I just wanted to share that.    I love insightful comments. Last semester my philosophy professor made this profound statement about cowardism, and I wrote it down to keep, and now I can’t find it.

Frank came on yesterday not long after I posted an entry. He stayed on until it was time for me to go home, and while I am not done making up for the week we missed, he seems awfully busy. I got rather irritated and put a busy sign up.  So I am feeling a little deprived. I rushed from class to work, to log on and talk to him and he wont even carry on a conversation. Grrrr. I guess I should be more understanding, but I really don’t feel like it. I missed him a lot, I just want a little attention make up ya know? Makes me feel a little over-sensitive.  So I will just turn on my webcam and make him wonder who I am showing it to. 😉   I can be "too" busy too!

Today was rather warm, felt like the middle of summer, which makes me wonder how hot summer plans to be, lol.  I wanted to put on a bathing suit and jump into a pool. I never get to swim anymore. When I lived in California I lived in a pool. Wherever we went or lived, HAD to have a pool. I move to Missouri and I am lucky if I get to go swimming once during the summer. I can’t even swim here at the hotel, it’s not allowed.  I could spend all day in the water. My mom always tells me I should have been born a fish because I love the water so much, lol. If I couldn’t get my hands on a pool, I’d find a water hose and my friends and I would make up silly water games and purposely lose just so we could get wet. I don’t mind being my age now, I can do a lot of things I couldn’t do when I was younger, but I do miss those younger days. I didn’t have the best teen-age years, but I did have a good childhood. I can’t remember too many unhappy memories, I guess thats a good thing. =)

Ha! Guess who’s sucking up now??? Guess I should go and make him work for it. I demand an apology! HA!

Yeah, its Franky time, Im outa here..

 
Well we’re (Frank and I) having a good discussion. He found it amusing when I sent him a message only saying, happy 2 year aniversary 1 hour ago. He was confused, rolled his eyes when I told him thats when I first had sex with him, (well anyone lol). He thinks it odd that I would remember the date and hour, but for me it was a REALLY special occasion. I was holding out for mr. perfect ya know? And then he came along, so that day will forever be ingrained in my memory. I didn’t expect him to remember, he is a guy after all, lol. I couldn’t tell you what day we met online, or when we became a couple, but I think the day I became a "woman" is definately something I feel i should remember. But for many girls its more of an emotional thing, where’as for guys it is, but mostly its physical you know? They get turned on if the wind is blowing in the right direction, haha.  Thats mean, thats not always the case, I know that.   Here is a little yahoo amusement.

ME: i prefer my diary anyway
ME: someplace to talk about you
FRANK: like "omg he makes me feel like a natural woman"
ME: nope
FRANK: yep
ME: i am writing about how silly you thought it was for me to remember "today"
FRANK: ahh writing about my wisdom
FRANK: good good
FRANK: some day it will be called the gospel of hanna
ME: i am writing about how insensitive guys are 
FRANK: well it’s the condom that makes dulls the sensetivity
ME: you dont use a condom
ME: so whats your problem
ME: lol

I think today should be declared a national holiday haha. The day hell froze over and pigs flew.

**(Don’t worry, we use another form of protection. I can just see all the advice notes about the no condom thing lol)

I have been really dependant on my diary lately, and I have been browsing other diaries, and I have found all these…amazing, creative, and interesting writers. I really miss being creative, I am not sure when this "dry spell" is going to end. I find I am at my most creative moments when I am sad, depressed, angry…etc. I am sure its because its how I express such deep, strong, and overwhelming emotions because I am not sure of how else to release them.

I feel like I want to write something. I keep returning to my diary, daily, and I feel like its there, right at my fingertips, but nothing comes of it. I end up writing silly, meaningless babble. Completely ordinary, redundant, and mundane babble. It bores me writing it, re-reading it, so I can only imagine the faithful reader’s thoughts as they read it!

I hate the thought that I could just be like so many other people. Simple, repetitive, predictable and totally uninteresting! I want to be talented and unique! -lol- And its not that its BAD to be the first type of person. There’s definately nothing wrong with every day people, but I know there is more to me, and finding it is proving difficult. Does that make sense? I have been looking to anything and everything for inspiration.

I can’t force it out. I can sit and have a pencil in my hand and a blank piece of paper in front of me for hours before I decide to throw in the towell and give up for the day. I try to dig really deep, and pick up old feelings, new feelings, anything to get it out. Its like dropping something under a locked door. You bend down, slip your hand under the door and reach under to get it. But you can’t feel it. So you look under the door, and you see it. Stick your hand back under to grasp the item but its just out of reach.  You find anything to put under to drag it back, but it only knocks it farther out of the way. The only way you’re getting that sucker is if some one unlocks that door. But who knows when some one with the key will show up?

Thats how it feels when it comes to writing. I am confident that I have the ability to write semi- okay things. I am no Hemingway by any means. But its just getting it out thats the problem. I hope I find the inspiration soon. 

Just thought I’d share something real. Something me.