Crawford County

One night last week, well actually the week before, my mom and I went to dinner and ended up talking about my dad and the situation of his death and the investigation he was under for rape. So many questions have been left unanswered or not answered well enough. I decided to email the Crawford County sherrif’s department in hopes they could provide more….more information to help me through this closure process. The undersherrif was extremely helpful and quick at responding to my emails. He sent me a copy of the police report filed about his suicide. I also wanted information on the rape but I guess I didn’t make myself clear about that, so I will bug Sherrif Kraycs Monday. But in the police report given by the detective on the scene, he points out a few things that raise questions.  For example, he says my dad’s car was found at the North gate of Rayburs wood’s. The keys were still in the ignition.

Then, another thing. One end of the rope was tied around the trunk of one tree, while the other one was thrown over a brance of another tree, and from that end he hung himself. When he was found, he was resting on his knees.  Why would some one hang themselves THAT low to the ground, and slowly suffocate themselves. Normally in a hanging a person dies as a result of a broken neck, my father didn’t. Thats such a slow way to die. And I would think that in the process of losing his life, survival instincts would kick in and he would take measures to make himself be able to breath. Could he have been so traumatized inside that he didn’t feel the life slipping away from him? Or it just didn’t matter anymore? The detective also stated that the ground was undisturbed. However I was IN the woods around where they found my dad, and I must say that since it WAS a hiking area, how could they tell? There’s foot prints everywhere, and the plant life sprang back to life. In fact while we were in the woods, the path we were on, the plant life we had trampled, sprung back to life by the time we had made it back…so …I dunno….maybe  I am looking for answers and questions where there aren’t any.

Also, my dad had a meeting with the police that morning at 10 due to the rape investigation he was under. The detective states he doesn’t know at that time if my dad made it to the appt. or not. WHY NOT? My dad died on the 6th, his appt was 10am that morning. The police report was typed up on the 10th. I would think that ample time to find out of he even made it to the interview. He left the house at 10 am, killed himself at 3pm, and wasn’t found until 9pm that night. How the hell do you know the ground was undisturbed at 9pm at night, in the woods??? It just doesn’t make sense. I feel like something is being left out from this whole thing.

I just can’t seem to move past it. Even after almost two years. I dont understand why he wouldn’t try and contact me, his only child, to say good bye, or to hear my voice one last time. The weird thing is I know he thought of me that morning/afternoon. I feel it deep inside. When you walk out of his bedroom into the living room, my pictures sit on the shelf right infront of you. Its so weird too, I still have his ashes. I can’t bring myself to let them go. But I feel like he watches me. If thats even possible. I feel like we have more of a relationship in death than we ever did in life. I guess that sounds kind of morbid…or maybe it doesn’t even make sense. I don’t know. But sometimes I swear I see him in my room, or feel him when I am driving home from work late at night. I sense it.  And sometimes driving home that late at night, sensing him, I have this overwhelming urge to just cry. Not even silent tears, but out right sobbing like my heart has been wrenched from my chest. Sobs that I have kept submerged for 17 years.  But this ghost of Crawford County is haunting me…And instead of being soothed and happy, I feel scared and frightened. Because I know one day its going to come out, and confront me, and make me face all these years I have been pretending to be running from.