Apple Red/Heather Gray

I have come to the conclusion that Netflix may have been a bad life decision. I have pretty much spent every non-working/sleeping moment watching movies and catching up on Prison Break and I am just now to season four. Ha ha. It has been kind of relaxing though. It keeps my mind occupied and I get so lost in the stories that I am able to forget myself for a little while.  It isn’t the most healthy form of therapy but it’s what I have right now I guess.  Today though I bought Super Mario Bros for the console and I appreciate how Nintendo kept the game original even though they added motion to the game with the Wiimote and added new features without really taking anything away from the original version.  I got another Wiimote and taught my mom how to play some of the resort games that came with the consol. She actually beat me in table tennis! Several times…how embarrassing. lol I should go back to reading more, it’s a much cheaper hobby!

I don’t know if I mentioned in my last entry that I took down all the pictures from the living room and my bedroom and the small trinkets from Frank and I have them in a box. It’s just so hard to remove his presence from my life though. So many things I have and remember are some how related to him. I often catch myself getting ready to say or think something and I wonder, “What would Frank do or say about this?” When I relate stories with people it always comes back to him..and I choke up…  Something as simple as YARN. Today my mom and I went to the store because I wanted to get some things and we needed groceries, along the way we passed the craft section and she mentioned needing yarn to make more scarfs and hats. She picked up this red scan and gray one and held them up and instantly came the memory of my crocheting the one and only blanket for Frank several years ago with those exact colors…Apple Red and Heather Gray…I hated making it and I cussed and wanted to quit….but I was making it for him and I knew he’d love it…”macaroni gifts” he called them. Made by hand and from the heart. Knowing I was making it for him is what got me through it. I remember him opening it and he had these big eyes and big O expression as he pulled it out of the box..”Your mom really made me a blanket?!!” ..”Nope. I made her teach me and I made the blanket! It took me SIX months! You better not lose it , ruin it, or unravel it because there will never be another!” …..where is that now? Does it still sit out? On the foot of his bed? What does he think when he sees it?  My eyes welled up with tears and instantly my mom remembered the afghan and put the scans back and kept apologizing. I smiled and told her not to worry about me, I’d be fine and that I’d meet her in the grocery section when she was done. F’ing YARN. Sigh.

I was flipping through channels one night and stopped on the Bio channel and William Shatner(’s Raw Nerve) was interviewing some actress and I remember her saying, “If you avoid something out of fear, you’re giving it more power than it deserves.”

No matter how much I box up I still can’t erase him. I know the moving on and hurt will diminish over time….I just wish I was there already. I am tired of being so damn emotional and him having so much power over me still.