Always Sunny In Missouri

      How is it possible to be so damn tired and not be able to sleep??? I swear, all week last week and part of the week before that I bet I had a total of like, 10 hours. It’s rediculous. I get into bed and think I could slip into a coma and it never comes. Finally, somewhere around 8am the next morning I end up dozing off into a restless and broken sleep until about 11 or 12. I don’t necessarily feel depressed or anything. Other than the DB drama lately everything else is going good. Even work has been tolerable. I would hate to think I am losing sleep over some guy. That isn’t like me. 

   Although today I bit the bullet and shot him a text saying I needed to talk to him when he got off work. Instead of stopping by he called when he got in his car. It wasn’t really a conversation I wanted over the phone, but if that was the only way I was going to have it then so be it. I confronted him. I told him I was tired of being confused by his behavior and that it wasn’t fair to jack me around. That I wanted to talk because I wanted clarification not tie him down. Of course he said he liked me a lot, blah blah blah, but would be a bad boyfriend and any relationship we had would surely turn to shit. I told him what we were doing now was shitty. I told him in a very matter-of-fact tone that I just wanted to know if we were going to see each other or if I needed to go on about my business. He said we needed to revert back to his earlier decision to end things and not sleep together anymore. Then turned around and said he didn’t want that, because that prospect sucks. Basically I ended the conversation telling him that it does suck, but if that’s how he wants things that is how it’s going to be. I am not going to go back and forth with him.

I am better than that, and deserve some one who is going to respect me. I think the guy likes me a lot, but he’s got too many demons to contend with. Demons that will only suck me in if I let our behavior continue. Sucks that we have mutual best friends, and that we work together, so our paths our bound to cross on many occasions. I know it’s going to take me being the strong one to keep the final decision going though. So that’s that. Onward I go. I know this is for the best. It sucks, I like the guy a lot. But I also know I don’t need some one who has a drinking problem. You never come first with someone who has an addiction. Never. I didn’t even come first with my own father. And I refused him any kind of relationship until he sobered up. Which he never did. The only thing he managed to do sober was hang himself.  I shouldn’t treat anyone else any differently. 

  In the end closure feels better than a constant question mark over your head. I so rarely receive closure in my life with men. I am not just talking romantically, because there have only been two in my life. Just any male figure I have let myself care for in some way have just slipped away without ever saying anything. I am always left wondering WTF? you know? So for once, it feels good to just KNOW for sure one way or the other. And also for once to have been able to VOICE my feelings and thoughts on the subject. I’ve never been afforded that before. There is a bittersweet free feeling that follows it. Just like when I found out why Frank walked away without a word….it was like, "Ok. Well that sucks ass, but now I know. Now I can move on with my life." 

That’s the end of that Saga. 

   Hopefully I can sleep tonight. I really don’t want to go another night with any. It’s almost to the point I lay there and get so frustrated I want to cry. I try medicines (mainly Nyquil and Benedryl) that usually knocks me out within minutes and….nuthin….my eyes burn….I can only imagine how rough work thinks I look. I think I look pale and stoned. Ugh….

  The good news? I got into a pair of jeans even two sizes smaller. WHEW! I nearly cried in the dressing room. The jeans look fantastic. 😉 I never want to take them off, ha ha. 

   Tomorrow I am buying the stuff to make my own Sushi. Well LEARN to make my own Sushi. This should be an experience!!  Sticky rice…and an uncoordinated Hanna…maybe I should record this? heh