All Doubts Aside

            I decided not to make a big issue out of the two problems bothering me. I told him today about the whole passport thing that bothered me and he really didn’t say much. I don’t know if it’s because I brought it up while he was busy at work or not. But either way, it’s not something I want to discuss over the net, or over the phone. Next time I see him though; we’ll talk for sure.

            I can’t be too upset with him about it. My doctor called me last Friday I think, to schedule an appointment. (I think I mentioned that he too found the dysplasia cells in the two samples he took from “down there”.) So now we have to get rid of it. The nurse told me he’d probably freeze it out, which is called Cryotherapy. I am not sure how pleasant the procedure is going to be. Anyway, the freezing is usually 300 dollars or more. But the doctor is willing to do it for $150.  Frank offered to pay for it, but I don’t like having to depend on other people for help. I don’t like feeling like charity you know?

            I did a lot of thinking on how I was going to come up with the money. A 150 may not sound like a lot, but when you already make so little, it might as well be a thousand dollars. I couldn’t come up with a solution to pay for it. So, I cried, and after sitting in my chair for an hour getting the courage to ask Frank for the money, I finally did and he immediately pay-pal’d it to me. I know he had offered, but either way I hated to ask for the money. I take care of myself you know? He felt bad that it was so hard for me to ask, especially since he offered already…”It’s your health. I just want you to be ok Hanna,” he said. It’s not like it’s a huge issue now, but it could definitely turn into one eventually. I don’t know if he’ll let me, but I am going to do my best to pay him back the money. If I think of it as a loan, it makes it easier to accept.

            I have been a bit moody lately. And every night I haven’t been having the best dreams. What’s worse is that I feel like I am not getting enough sleep, when I am getting more than enough. I don’t know why I am having thing dreams. They involve Frank, but they aren’t good dreams. I am thinking I have psyched myself out and my dreams are just playing off of that. In all the dreams he’s very secretive, and I am very cautious. But still insanely attracted to him, and wanton of him. So I don’t know.

            I do know that after every visit with him I feel incredibly vulnerable. Very unsure of myself, of him, and of us. Which is crazy, because I should feel validated you know? Even MORE secure about me, and about us. But the truth is, everyone I have allowed myself to love, and get close to, has found it so easy to walk away from me. To disappear from my life all together.  I think my problem is I have realized I trust him too much, and that’s scary for me. Because any let down, or disappointment, will be too great to handle. Does that make sense? I don’t know, now I am just rambling.

            I love Frank too much. He does so much good for me. Took me to Europe, paid for everything there, is paying for the doctor. When we’re together he makes me feel pretty special. So these doubts I get…. should be forgotten. Because they are just CRAZY. Frank is right, I’m crazy…lol

            He’s house-sitting for his dad right now. I feel left out. I love being there with him, and the kitty. I am stuck here, at work, and tomorrow school starts up….Doesn’t seem fair, lol…I miss him so much.