A Passport To No Where

    I got my passport yesterday!!! Pretty cool stuff. I never thought I’d ever be traveling some place that I needed one. I always DREAMED of traveling, just didn’t think it would happen. I’m pretty excited, makes this trip seem even more real…..except for a few hours last night. Uhg….

    Frank had been busy with work, so I just did my own thing. Mostly cleaning up the house and such. Later that evening he messages me and says "Baby, I am a little worried about something." Naturally, my ears perked up to that. It turned out he thought he was going to lose his job. (Which in turn would mean our trip would have to be canceled.) I asked him why he thought that, and he kept telling me it was a feeling he got every time he was supposed to get paid. I asked him if they had said anything, or indicated that they were going to let him go. And he said no. But he felt certain it was going to happen. Apparently this is a worry he’s had since he started the job but just hasn’t said anything. I guess it’s been eating at him and he just needed to get it out. I didn’t know what to say to him…I felt bad. I tried to tell him that I am sure it was just worry and nothing more. If they’re happy with his work then they’re not going to let him go…

     He was pretty insistant though. Then he got all upset because he felt terrible if he had to cancel the trip. He said, "you’re always so good to me Hanna, I just wanted to be as good to you…" …."You’re so excited about the trip…" …"I feel like a loser…"….  Uhg, that just broke my heart. Who cares about Prague you know? I just want to see him, even if it means us making a trip to MO or NY. I felt sooooo bad that he felt like he was letting me down. Then I began to believe the trip wasn’t going to happen. He was so upset, and I didn’t know how to make it better. 

  He talked to a guy who was a help in hiring him, online and he said he hasn’t heard anything about them letting Frank go. And that he’d definately know if it was up in the air. Then he said he’d get the mood around the office and get back to Frank.  Sooooooooo Today I log on and see how Frank is doing. He says, Great!!! I overreacted!!!  …lol, I wanted to say, "I told you so…" but refrained. It wouldn’t have been appropriate. But not only does he now feel better, but our trip is still on..=)  

    I tried explaining to him it was because he was new to the company so he wasn’t sure of himself. He hadn’t been with them long enough to feel secure with his position there. I told him I think that’s where the worry was coming from. Also, he isn’t used to having a job like this…I also think that the trip was so important to us, he was terrified something would cause it to not happen and I think that played a role in his worry. Poor guy, I wish he had come to me sooner with his worry, so he wouldn’t have to take it on all by himself.  I told him at the end of last night, that "sure, we may not get to go this time, and thats okay. We’ll be dissapointed….but don’t think or feel like you have let me down. Life happens, it doesn’t make you less of a great guy." I think that cheered him up a bit.

   I am really, not used to handling his emotions. He very, rarely lets them out. Rarely confides in people, even me, what he’s feeling, especially if it’s negative. With Ben, he shared EVERYTHING, so I was comfortable in handling his emotions, and knew just what to say to him….But with Frank it’s like, I feel like I have to treat the whole situation very delicately. If I don’t, he’ll clam up and lock me out again….I think that’s more stressful than anything, lol. Uhg…He had me wanting to eat an entire tub of Ben and Jerrys double chocolate NYC chunk ice cream….

    On another note, I have been hanging out with Rachel some. Well, we go to clubs on the weekends and a couple times to the mall. I have felt that there is still this…unsaid tension hanging above our heads when we are together, and I felt like it was keeping me, or us, from feeling comfortable around eachother again.  We never spoke of the fight, or what happened. I think we both wanted to, but were scared of what might happen if we did. Soo, for a while I have wanted to confront the issue, and since I am too chicken to do it in person, lol. I wrote her a letter. And I said exactly what I felt, and it felt really good to just let it out to her. She read it, and cried, and it just felt like this…huge weight had been lifted from us you know? It felt good. Hopefully now, we’ll be more mature about the friendship, and take better care of it, and less for granted. We have such a history as friends that we both hate to see it destroyed. She’s moving while I am away in Europe, and I am moving next summer. So maybe we’ll be better at this friendship stuff long distance, haha.

   Well we get our plane tickets this week!!!    =)