6…7…21 years? And counting
So I had this great talk with my friend Ben. Actually he is my ex, but we’ve made better friends. This Christmas we’ll have known eachother quite awhile. I was 13, nearly 14 and he was 16..nearly 17. I am now 19 and he 22. Out of all of my friends I have known him the longest. And I think it is strange yet comforting to know that after all these years and a great heartache bewteen us, a friendship is still steadfast. We can go weeks without talking to eachother..and then jump right back into the swing of things.
He called the other night and we had a really good conversation. Its so weird to talk to him now..these past few years and not wish he’d come back to me. Instead I just think of him as a friend I couldn’t live without. I was only 14 when he broke my heart, but at that age..a broken heart is a tremendous loss. For a long time I couldn’t forgive him..you could hear the annimosity in my voice…you could tell I was jealous of the girlfriend he had…And even…3 years later when I met Frank…I had a lot of soul searching to do. I always thought you could ever truely love just on person. I guess in a way thats true. Ben will froever have my 14 year old heart…But he could never replace Frank…who has cherished it for the past three years. So don’t misunderstand me on that…
Ben and I were talking about relationships..and why he was cheating on his girlfriend..or had been for the past couple years.. he hasn’t been happy with her for a long time…in fact he hasnt been happy with her since he broke up with me so many years ago. I guess people would rather live miserably than take a chance at being alone and possibly happy..who knows. I kind of feel bad…he’s searching so hard for himself..and some one to love who truely loves him back and he isn’t finding it..all he winds up with is mental cases..girls who are obsessive and are with him just because they are bored. Makes me feel so incredibly lucky to have what I have with frank! whew!
When we got to our friendship..and reminicing about how long we’ve known eachother…he was curious as to how we remained friends when everyone else in our lives have just,,dissinigrated or something. Thinking on it, I came to the conclusion that, we broke up before it was too late. Our relationship ended when we were still such great friends..who loved eachother beyond just..the inlove part..I think if we had stayed together we would have wound up unhappy and resenting eachother…and our connections..as friends was too strong to ruin that you know? It feels good that I have such a great friend. I can see us growing old in our seperate lives but always in contact with eachother. I like knowing I will have that life long friend.
I only wish Frank was a little bit more okay with it. He never really has anything nice to say about it. But I am sure some part of him is worried I might take him back..or Ben not be the nice guy I know he is and make some move on me..I guess if Ben were just a friend and not my EX, he’d be okay with it..I mean he has female friends..I am sure though if he was such good friends with his EX I’d be furious..and jealous..and catty..and petty..and D, all the above, lol. So I understand his thinking. I don’t begrudge him that, but I hate feeling defensive about my friendship at the same time. It all seems so confusing and dramatic. I’m honest about Ben when he calls..I tell Frank..so he doesn’t feel like I am keeping anything from him..or making Ben a secret or something. But I don’t know if by being honest I am doing more damage than good? He doesn’t call often,…maybe once every two weeks or something. Again..look at me being defensive! lol
Well I guess I should just STOP feeling guilty. I am entitled to my friends. right?