So Let’s Face It This Was Never What You Wanted…

I had a good day.  A genuinely good day.  Yvonne will give me a full day tomorrow if they need me to stay, and I went to my grandma’s for the first time in a while.  She lives a block from the bus terminal I ride home from, and I didn’t want to walk in the fucking snow today.

So I spent the afternoon with my grandma, watching over her, because she was in the hospital last weekend and I almost cried when I hugged her because I thought, "fuck, I’m going to lose you too someday, and how badly will that break me?" and tried not to break down and cry in her little kitchen while she dug for something for me to eat.

And I made Kraft Dinner, the way she used to make it for me, with butter and no milk and the sauce mix, and it was perfect – creamy but not slimy, and just cheddar-y enough – and I ate most of it, but she still had a bowl.

And then I read for a bit while the tv babbled Degrassi and she dozed off in her chair and the dog tried to keep his eyes open in case I stole her.  She wanted me to see if I could fix her DVD player, and I did, so we watched Happy Feet and I flipped through the Sears Spring/Summer ’07 catalogue.

And then I got home.  And the dogs wouldn’t shut the fuck up and when my mom started cooking dinner, Ella fucking spazzed out and demanded to go upstairs, and when she got upstairs and couldn’t get onto my aunt’s bed, she pitched a fucking fit.  So I slammed my book down, pitched my own minor fit, threw her onto the goddamn bed and stomped back downstairs.  And then my aunt came home and the dogs flipped again, barking and yelping and scratching at the doors and whining like little shits and I’m so tired by the end of the day that I mostly just want to scream at everyone these days.

During dinner, it was "Shit On Karyn" time, and I almost tossed the glass table down because I was so fucking angry at them, going on and on about how I don’t do things on time, how I don’t pay people on time, and I know I don’t, I fucking KNOW I don’t.

And ten minutes ago I was dripping tears.

It’s Kelly’s 21st birthday today.  I miss her.  We don’t talk anymore.  I hate it.

It feels like everything is going wrong today.  I hate this, I fucking hate this.  Today fucking sucks.  Sucked.  Whatever.  I’m going to bed with a sleeping pill, and hoping against hope that tomorrow will be okay.

– day old hate – city and colour –