I’m Swelled Up With Sadness, And Broken In Parts

Okay, forget the entry about the boy who leaves and comes back.  It’s the guy who stays and treats me like a goddess, who tells me I’m incredible, that I’m beautiful, that I’m utterly gorgeous, the guy who will never want me as much as I’m starting to think I need him.

He does things to me.  He gets into my head, with his words, the way he says them, the way he tells me things.

He’s under my skin, always has been.  We started out so simple, he and I, and it’s so much more complicated now.  You know we all thought Marc was bad, that Vancouver was hell on earth, that I was broken there.  But it’s not Marc, it was never Marc like it’s this guy, never could be, never has been.  This guy.

THIS one, he’s the one I can’t have, the one I’ll always want, inside my head.  I’m trying to keep it together, trying to keep myself from letting go with him, because he doesn’t want me the way I want him.  He’s too far away from me, in so many ways, and I wonder if he’ll ever be close to me, in any of them.

He’s not private, not at all, he’s not one ounce of him reserved.  He doesn’t hold back, he says everything he’s thinking.  It’s not pretty, usually, but it’s there, it’s honest and it’s so him, that even the bad stuff looks good.  I’m not going to try to be something he wants, because I think I realize now that I could never really be what he wants.

But I know in my heart that I’ll always want him, even just a little bit, that I’ll always want to have him want me back the way I want him.  I’ll always want to have him look at me the way I wish he would, to touch me and see me.  He’s never going to want me.  Never.  Never more than he does now, and I hate it, but I know it’s true.  There are things we do for each other, in the relationship we have now.  There’s a rhythm to us, a constant between us, but it’s not enough to sustain anything more that what we have now.

– kung fu grip kiss – the damnwells –