emptyin’ my brain.

I should probably just go to bed but I get the feeling I won’t be able to sleep even though I’m exhausted.

I feel pretty shitty being way the eff out here on the east coast when everyone else is back home in Arizona.  I wish I could just say eff work, spend a small fortune on a plane ticket and go back home and be with my family but it seems so impossible.  Yes, I’m sure it’s do-able, everything is life is achievable.  But whether or not that’s the wisest choice is another thing.  If I didn’t have that class on Monday for work I’d be there over my weekend but it’s not something I can get out of.

I find it ironic that the night before my Grandma passes away I spend money on plane tickets for Christmas time, which she obviously won’t be there for.

I felt like such a spaz last night but I started crying in the fab when I was talking to Stacia.  I was frustrated and upset and it just came pouring out of me.  I finally got the chance to really cry once I got home and into the house and I feel a little bit better now.

Do you think people really know how much you love them after they die?  I always wonder what happens…where do you go?  What do you do?  Is there really anything to do or are you just…dead and non-existant?  Coming from someone that isn’t particularly religious I’m not sure what to believe of Heaven and Hell.  I really don’t know…  I always wonder if I’ve got one more angel looking after me after someone passes.  I wonder…do you turn into a youngster again?  Are you at the age you were most content at?  What do you look like?  I just wonder so much.

It sucks with Matt bein’ on days.  He’s the one person here that I can cry and be a big freakin’ baby in front of and not feel like a total ass(just kind of like one).  I told him if he wants to come home for lunch and wake me up for some love.  I could use it despite getting plenty of love at work, I am so thankful to everyone for being understanding and trying their best to cheer me up.  By the end of the night I was feeling a lot better than when it started.  So for those of you that I do work with that read this…thanks, you guys are the best.

Well now that I have emptied my brain a little bit I’m off to find some tylenol PM and my bed with my Bear…that my Grandma bought for me.  🙂  Later taters, have a great day and no matter what’s going on in your life…be happy that you are alive.  🙂