What is happiness?

It has been a very long time since i’ve written anything here. Every time I come back to this site I read back from my first entry and I can’t believe its been over 20 years of this. At times I ask myself why? why do I read and re-read all these entries that are just full of pain and where I’ve been so miserable. As time goes by I realized with those entries that I have suffered more than anyone should, what’s worse? that all my suffering comes from men. At the very young age of 14 years old, I put myself through a very difficult relationship that left me nothing but insecurities and pain. Till this day I still think of him constantly, not like before but it’s part of who I am and sadly I still live in the same town so houses where he lived and places that I visit will always bring back memories.

I really had to come and write right now because I got a sense of overwhelming emotions. I read the first few entries after my first son was born and I’m torn to think that I allowed so much shit very early on and that I didn’t see it sooner, that once again I let my feelings get the best of me and I also let my low self esteem dictate my actions. It just seems like I put myself through that because of the lack of paternal figure in my life. I craved that manly love and so desperately needed to feel loved and cared for. It has not been like that, and it is very sad to see it now, not only to read and realized that I’m still stuck in the same shit. That even though I see it, I haven’t done anything about it. Allowing George to put his hands on me from the very beginning. Realizing that perhaps what I call love is nothing but just the craving of attention, to feel important to someone, to have someone care for me. I can ask right now, is it really that hard? Most days I just sit there and take it all in and think… “This is the life that I got, and I have no choice but to live it”

There’s been many times where i’ve questioned everything. But I am 36 years old now and I can now accept the mistakes I’ve made, how I’ve been the bad person in so many of these stories. Where I have failed in my principles, morals and myself. I’m not proud of a lot of the things i’ve done but i can’t fix them. what’s done is done and we just have to keep going. On certain days I do blame my unhappiness on the bad things i’ve done, putting the fault on myself… this is happening because you did this wrong, because you screwed up and now you have to pay for it.  This is the main reason why i’m still with George.

George is not a bad person, but he doesn’t get me. I’ve suffered so much already and there is no repair. Today reading those entries, i understood that I’ve never been happy. I’ve had golden moments like the days my children were born… and that’s it…. i can’t really say i’ve been happy happy any other time. not even when i got married, George stopped talking to me 2 days before our wedding. I arrived at the altar and he hadn’t talked to me, i should of just cancelled the wedding, but i was too focused on what people would say, so i sucked it up and just did it. I shouldn’t’ have, we were not in a good spot when we got married, so much lying and mess that was going on.

But like I said, I’m 36 and now i don’t think about being happy (yes that would be great) but at this point in my life i think about my children, their stability. Yes i know most people would disagree, but i have to think of their future and them being able to do well and be stable.

When Matthew was born my whole world crashed and I realized that it is so true what women experience when you have a sick child and how the disagreements begin. I was devastated and I cried so much, he didn’t understand what i was feeling and how my whole world got really small. Today i was playing some music and it was bruno mars that song Just the way you are, and matthew came running to the kitchen and started singing it, i turned around and started singing it too and pointing at him while singing “cause girl you are amazing, just the way you are” he got very emotional and started crying, matthew doesn’t speak well yet, can’t make sentences, just says words and a few sentences here and there. But i started to cry, it brought me back the pregnancy and the diagnosis. Some days i don’t think i have it in me to keep going to deal with all of it. i try to be strong for my kids, and i try to do my best. most days my best is not my best and its hard.

Ryan is 16 years old, he is such a bright young man, i would love to take credit for all that he is. but i know i can’t, this is how he was born. he is very polite and well educated and respectful. It broke my heart last year at the end of the year when his first girlfriend broke up with him. I lived it with him and i felt just like if i was the one going through the breakup. i’ve never heard any moms talks about this. am i just an emotional wreck? or is this a thing? When i talk to him and hear his thoughts and all of the plans and things he does, i’m very proud. nothing like his mom at that age. my head was just for one person, didn’t really care about school or anything.. my sole focus was trying to be happy and needed the much wanted attention of a boy who knew nothing. I want to think that somewhere in Ryan’s life, i’ve done something right. I’m hoping that he has felt loved so that he doesn’t need to crave the love from no one else but him unlike his mom.

Jacob will soon be 11 years old. He is a different kind of kid, very to himself and loves video games. he lives in his own world. love science and experiments. loves wild life and learning facts about people and animals. watches too many documentaries. very distracted and has no common sense. i can be hard on him sometimes because he has no responsibility. He is very shy until you get comfortable with him. but mostly stays to himself.

Matthew is 3 years old such a sweetheart, very lovable and loves hugs, he is the only chunky baby i have and he reminds me of a little teddy bear. he loves hugs and kisses. very kind and gentle personality. very sensitive. he has TSC which stands for Tuberous Sclerosis.a condition where he has tumors in his heart, brain and also kidneys. He suffers from seizures so he is on daily medication. I stand ready for anything else to come, you never know with this sickness.

Isabella is 2 years old. She is a diva, super smart girl. knows what she wants and knows how to get it. she will be my big headache when she grows up. She has the attitude and knows how to work it. lol. she’s something else. i didn’t want to have a daughter because i didn’t want her to suffer and go through all the things us women have to go through. but i got her as a surprise and so i can’t complain. i love her every tiny part of her.

what does my life look like now? still a mess, George is not as bad anymore but i think its because i’ve learned to ignore a lot of the things. still get into it from time to time like all couples. except when he begins with his insecurities talking crap. I know we’ve had our dark past but it can’t always be the same. and him doing this is what pushes me away from him and then we have issues.

Aside from realizing why i am the way i am and why i’ve done in my life and the reasons why, i’m still stuck. the only difference is that now i know why, but i haven’t been able to fix it. i still have low self esteem. my pcos gets the best of me, my hypo-thyrodism does too. i’m fat so there goes that. George is not who he was when i met him, what i have craved my entire live is the feeling of love, the feeling of someone caring for me. perhaps is there but it has never been shown and i’ve never felt it and this keeps me from being happy. some days i just think that its me and my head and that i need to grow up and get over it. but most days i can’t i really just think that i’m just here to suffer and i keep going because i have 4 kids and they need me.

George has said many times that there are many women who wish they had my life and i sit here and say “what life” who wants to be miserable? because that’s how i feel. most times he makes me feel unimportant, like i don’t do anything like i don’t contribute  to this household. but then i run the list and i’m sitting here thinking. wtf i do everything here, he just goes to work. it all boils down to, i’m not happy.

most times, i get jealous of other women’s husband, the way they are treated and what they do for them. i got nothing, at least that’s how i feel. am i really asking for too much? somedays i do feel like i exaggerate but i also think, do i not work enough and do enough in this household to deserve a little love, a little comprehension and acknowledgment. I will continue reading and tomorrow will come back for the remainder of my feelings exposed.