Stress, Anxiety, Depression

As the days go by and I re-read my Diary and relive the everyday pain I realize that I have not completely heal and that those thoughts and feelings were buried deep down and now I dugged them out. I don’t deal with things so well nowadays, anxiety gets the best of me. It is a terrible feeling that people don’t understand unless they have lived it.

I try to live a normal life, however sometimes I think back to the life I have had and there’s absolutely nothing normal about it. nothing. the pain and suffering I put myself through and I say that I did it myself because I had the choice of leaving, I had the choice of doing something about it and I have never done it. I still won’t do it. I struggle so much on a day by day. I just want to feel happy, I just want to feel loved. But I don’t feel happy, but i don’t feel loved.

George said the other day, ” many women would give anything to be with a man like me” but after several days of analyzing the situation… i’m not sure i understand…. if he talks about the financial stability then yes i’m sure many women living in poverty would definitely want to have what i have. But let’s be honest, everything we have, we have done together. So in reality we both work and we both provide regardless of the percentages and how they are calculated.

Others can say you don’t need someone else to make you feel happy to make you feel loved. True. but this is where i come to realized that i have not healed completely from my childhood trauma and how my father has a lot to do with my issues and lack of self love. So now its a work in progress and learning how to be able to handle those situations and handle all these mind games. I think that’s what it is, sometimes my mind plays tricks and lives in a fantasy world where i assume that this is how love is supposed to be or how everyone else lives it. Perhaps its not and that’s something i have to work on.

I have so much bundled up inside of me but i’m having such a hard time expressing it, I think most times it just comes out better crying it out. its a complicated thing to explain. not sure if i’ll ever be able to do it. after 20 years of writing on this platform there’s obviously a growth, however i’m still stuck on the same thing. i keep trying to work on it but it just seems that i’m not getting anywhere. I’ve been in therapy for so long and i just can’t seem to be able to fix my situation.

how do you even start self love? doing things for yourself… it just doesn’t work with me… perhaps because i’m not surrounded by the correct people. the judging, the criticizing, the bringing down.. that has to be it…theres no other explanation.

There’s a huge feeling of emptiness inside, it hurts, its hard to breathe. how to i wrap my mind around all of it and how i deal with the pain? I can’t answer any of it, I can just feel it. there’s no words, there’s nothing… just a big empty feeling.

I have always said that I am the type of person that doesn’t care about what people think about myself, i could care less, but then I realize that when it comes to George or my kids, i’m very extra sensitive and very critical about every word they say.

my 16 year old son a few days ago said to me that he hated that sometimes I acted like a teenager but that he had never said anything because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings because he knows that words can hurt. I was very bothered by the thought

As the days have gone by I have thought about what he said, and then about an instagram post i posted a couple of weeks ago with my sister, sister-in-law and my brother-in-law, all who happen to be 25 years of age or younger. We had a night “in” where we gathered here and danced and had some drinks. When i posted it I captioned it ” Fun night. They keep me young! You guys are the best. Love y’all” it brings me to think that perhaps the lack of being a kid and being a teenager didn’t really allow me to mature like anybody else would or perhaps the added on responsibilities at a young age which made me mature faster than my classmates also plays a big part. You know i’ve also thought about my mentality in trying to grow up fast so I could leave my mom’s house. Or all those instances where i was accused of doing the worst things and being judged by something that never happened and I was not at fault for but I was still blamed for. The more i try to understand, the less i understand myself and my situation.