My own Worst Enemy

I’ve realized that when I’m keeping too much inside, I stopped talking to those who are close around me. I get mad easily when things are not going my way, because i feel like i do too much for others and expect in return at least something. To say i’m going through a lot is not even close to putting it in perspective of what’s going on around me. Somedays i wish i was that fly on the wall that as long as it doesn’t move, no one knows its there and no one cares.

Living with a narcissist makes you become completely oppressed, you have no say in anything and you are completely controlled. And it just seems like there’s no way out. I want to leave, but i just can’t and i can’t explain why. When i narrate the things that happen to me, it makes me sick and in my head i hear me say, just fucking leave, you will be better, i promise you, you will be ok. But i don’t, and i stay. Sometimes I say, i should of left 19 years ago, it would have been much easier, ahorita ya pa’ que?.

Some days I think i could really find someone that really cares and respects me, but most times i just say, pa’ que? (for what). it’s not worth it, i’m not worth it.

I live my life trying to make everyone happy, making the most of everything and trying to please everyone. And when i don’t, i feel bad. I know i shouldn’t but most of this emotions are just there and i can’t control them.

I was thinking about ashley, my therapist, and how my schedule got so complex and i couldn’t meet with her again. I feel like i was making progress, accepting my mistakes and knowing that i was not in the wrong for some of the things i truly believed were my fault.

A few days ago, George and I were at the restaurant and everyone was drinking, i’ve decided to not drink or barely drink because i really don’t want to and can’t because i have to be there for my kids. everything was fine, everyone left and George was pretty drunk, i have to say. He said ok lets go, we got in the truck, i drove. and he was just talking to me about things that Dario said and issues at the restaurant. The ride to the house is about 12 min. when i was taking the exit to our house, as i took a left on the traffic like he just started yelling at me and saying how i was a fucking bitch for telling Dario about the time he kicked me in my leg with his steel toe boots and how my leg was purple from top to bottom and he started swinging at me while i was driving. I told him to stop because i was driving and he just continued to yell at me and tell me to keep driving but just really saying a whole bunch of stuff and insulting me and everything. When we got home, i got out and went into the bathroom, he busted my lip and i was bleeding, i was just crying. I had a yeast infection a couple of days before so i was on monistat and i decided that i would go shower, but i needed to get my contact lens case that i had in my jacket because i had taken my contacts to work and i had left it there. When i opened the door he was standing right in from and started again insulting me and just wouldn’t get off me. I went to my bedroom and he just went inside and started trying to hit me and i got very upset and told him to fuck off and get off me so i started swinging at him and he just wouldn’t let me go, eventually my son ryan came in and told him to stop and pushed him off, i went into the shower and came out and try to go to sleep, he was trying to talk to me and started saying that we couldn’t’ go to bed angry that we needed to talk and that we should cuddle. I was beyond angry and i couldn’t get him off of me, i didn’t want him to touch me. how dare you put your hands on me and then pretend like its ok and move on. i’ve had that on my mind ever since. I keep hearing over and over in my head, “puta oscicona” and it really does hurt me. he laughs and mocks me, i’m not allowed to have feelings because he is constantly belittling me.

Yesterday, he was ok, he went to buy stuff for the restaurant and went to drop it off, i cleaned the house a bit and then he came home, we had brunch and then i finished cleaning and doing laundry. he asked where we wanted to go have dinner and nobody knew like always. we ended up going to red lobster. we came home watch some movies and went to sleep. Sunday was a good day i say. This morning he went to finish up a small job and then came home when we had to go to work at the restaurant, but bc its’ monday, Dario takes the kids to drop them off to school, while i was in the shower, the kids decided it was a good idea to dump all the toys in the living room. i came out and made them clean up, got dressed, got the kids dressed, fed them, brushed their teeth, cleaned my room and then they went downstairs with Dario. George walks in to me washing dishes and asks why i’m not ready. i explained to him what the kids had done and so then he just turned around and walked outside. i finished doing my things and then went outside at 10:25. As I went inside the truck he started going off that it was always the same thing with me that i can’t ever hurry up. I didn’t say anything because Marcos was in the truck. When we got to the restaurant, he started going off again and telling me that i’m late because i want to be sleeping until very late and that its’ always the same shit with me etc etc. I told him same. it was the same shit with him all the time. he ignored me and went into the kitchen. i tried to avoid the kitchen and just came to do paperwork at the register. i went into the storage room so i could refill the beer fridge and he went over there and was talking to me like nothing and he was fine. i didn’t say anything else. he then asked me what i wanted to eat because they had made something very spicy and i wasn’t going to eat it. so i asked for fried rice he said ok. when he finished cooking it, he brought it out in a fancy plate and then threw it at the table and said, so that you don’t say that i don’t love you, i made it special, which i replied to, but you threw it at me. and he grabbed the plate again and threw it again, turned around and walked away. carlos was already eating so i asked him if he wanted some rice to which he replied ok. I went to work and it was a bit busy, i went to the event for the local businesses for the press conference or idk what they did. came back and i had to wrap up to go home. George doesn’t cook anymore for the kids. and i was getting ready to go pick up isabella from school, he came and was like, oh we need to do estimates, he said he would call ryan and have him pick up isabella. so we did the estimates and when i was leaving he was like come on a quickie which i quickly replied no, i don’t want to. and then he was like upset or something. i came back to ask him what things were needed for costco to which he replied i already told you, and i said well i don’t remember if i did i wouldn’t be asking you. so he proceded to tell me what was needed and i said ok see you later. he said ok

he called me when i was at costco and asked if i could take his truck to firestone because his tired is probably done. to which i replied, i don’t think they will take me because its late and they close at 6 and it was 5:10. he got mad and said no they close at 7, last time i went at 7 that’s why they wouldn’t help me. so i said ok we’ll talk later. i rushed my ass of to shop at costco and leave to go to firestone. i dropped off the kids and only kept isabella. went to firestone and got there at 6:15. they told me they would try and check it before closing. i went to walmart in the meantime and bought stuff for the house and the restaurant. they called me and said to come back. we got back at 7pm for them to tell me they found the hole but they didn’t have the tire. that i could leave the truck and come back tomorrow. i said no thanks i’ll be back wednesday, there’s a snow storm and we can’t leave it. i went home and dropped off walmart stuff and isabella. went to dollar tree and shop rite to buy groceries. dropped them off at home and came straight to the restaurant. when i got to the restaurant, i went in through the backdoor, and he was in the kitchen so i asked you guys are not done with the rolls? to which he ignored me. i went to the front and didn’t go back. chuy and dario showed up with alcohol and went to the back to where they began to drink. i left them alone. at the end of it all. They left and George left and left me here. did not care at all that we only had one vehicle to go home. he drove drunk and left me at the restaurant. its 12:55am and now i have to get an uber to go home. to some nonesense probably. honestly i don’t want to go home. he is going to start something, and i can’t. i’m in too much pain already.