It took 8 years

 They say true love never dies, so I guess I should probably say that I never had true love. My life next to George has been pain and suffering from day one. I had hope just as he says he also had it, things have gone from bad to complete disaster. We have been married for 2.5 yrs and now I think that it was a mistake. Regardless of me loving like I do, I questioned myself why? Why do I love him when I have not received anything that a woman can expect of a man. Perhaps the only thing I can say is I have never gone hungry. But that doesn’t cut it since I also work. Days like today I wish I was no longer here. I’m sick I can accept it now. I’m depressed I have been depressed for the past 20 years of my life. Most of the time I hate who I am, I hate the life that I got, then some days I realize that God put me here for a reason. Some days I feel like reaching out because I know there’s help out there, but I’m afraid… If I get diagnose with severe depression than I’m afraid they will take my kids away from me and that is something I will never be able to deal with. I’m not perfect , I have flaws but overall I love my kids and ill die for them. I feel like I’m drowning next to the edge because I can reach but I’m afraid. It’s a horrible feeling to know you can do something about it yet not have the courage to confront it. I’m very desperate. Today like lately it was a bad day. I argued with George and like always I’m treated like I’m a crazy psycho. I think about the things I get mad over and I think them to myself over and over to see if they make sense or if I really sound crazy. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to but unfortunately there’s no one. My mom seems like she supports more what George say than what I say, that hurts. In my life it’s always been about me being needy and I’m not talking about money and things but just someone who can just sit with me and support me and love me. My dad never did, he was never there, now he pretends he cares but he really doesn’t. My mom most of the time she critiques me and always has something negative to say to me. Lets not talk about my husband who has never taken the time to care of what I feel and what I like or dislike. So I ask myself… Why do I love these people who haven’t shown their support, their love and show that they care. Can all of this be making me a bad mother???  I get told by my mom and my husband that I don’t take care of my children, yet I spend more time with them and know them more than my husband and my mom. Obviously I’m the mom, they’re not starving, they love me I know so I must be doing something right. My depression keeps me from doing more of the things I would like. For example, I always plan… On Saturday I’m going to take them to the park or the beach and ill clean the house, what do I do? I sit in the coach and watch tv all day long, my house can be upside down and it just doesn’t bother me. My husband is a neat freak so a lot of our arguments are because he says I’m a pig and I don’t clean enough. It’s true I don’t clean like he wants me to bc he is obsessed with no dust. He has OCD, he comes home everyday and cleans all of the couches before he can sit. Idk about you but If you ask me that’s OCD.

i have to go before he comes and starts bothering me.