Foundation of Love is honesty

My heart hurts. lately I’ve been seeing a lot of quotes on IG that reference how women mourn a relationship and how women leave before they actually leave. I don’t think i’m quite there yet and George seems to have taken that step to leave. At least until this morning that’s what it sounds like. He hasn’t spoken to me since Sunday night, he went through my phone and my conversation with his brother Carlos. There was nothing there, we tend to share memes and tik toks. He was upset because there’s several random good morning messages but they come along with questions or asking for favors and stuff like that. I feel like he was just looking for an excuse, he confessed to me that he has a trauma with Willy and is afraid that same thing will happen with Carlos. his reasoning is because Carlos reminds him so much of Willy, they are almost identical in the way they express themselves and the way they talk. But he made a big deal where there was nothing.

Yesterday he went to work in the morning and when he came back from work he just took his keys and went on the motorcycle, he didn’t come home until 8pm. when he got home i was in the garage because i was working on packing some orders, they guys had just arrived and they were drinking outside the garage and he joined them with 1 beer and then went inside, according to my son he ate and then was just on his phone. I was downstairs and they went inside because it got cold, my sister called and she and my sis-in-law came over to drop off some things they bought for me. we hung out and we talked until about 11pm when they left, i went inside and put the kids to sleep and went back downstairs and i joined Chuy, Dario, Carlos and Marcos. We hung out until 3am and i came upstairs and went to sleep. In the morning George got up like always left to buy his material he needed and came home and i got Matthew ready for school and he stopped what he was doing and just asked me if i was hanging out with the guys the night before and i said yes why? he didn’t respond and just got up and went to take a shower and then left the house to work.

I’ve always craved the perfect relationship and feeling loved by someone. it has never happened. and yes there’s so many issues that we have but it still hurts to have to go through this process. Am I strong enough to handle this right now? i hope so, i really do. i’ve been trying for so long to work on myself and work on everything in my life. Many times I said i was done and wanted to move on and leave him, but i never could. Now that it might be happening i’m afraid. Theres so much. I have no words to describe what i’m feeling, i just know my heart hurts.