anger, sadness, i have no more feelings 2 describe
Today is gonna be a very long entry. Things are so confusing lately, i just can’t seem to be able to understand what is going on around me or why things are happening like this. could be a sign of something that has to change and that i have to move on with my life and do something better.
George is still talking to this chick and i just get so mad. i believe it is disrespectful and i don’t deserve it. or maybe i do for being so stupid and actually believing everything he tells me. Some days i just wish this was just over, i don’t like to be crying all the time.. well not really anymore. I’m learning and that’s the only thing that keeps me feeling good about myself. I’m not the same anymore, i’m a different person and i can def understand why now. I love myself, and i can’t just let any body treat me like crap…. if he doesn’t love me… yes it hurts me but not as much as before where i would spend days crying and trying to make him forgive me for what he did…omg i was so stupid… but yes things have changed. It is not that i don’t love him anymore, God knows i do. But he also knows that i love myself more than i love him. I feel beautiful, something he never made me feel, his problem is always i’m too big i’m too fat, well guess what? i’m me and no one else. If i bother him too much why can’t he just leave me alone. of course we all know what’s keeping him. Ryan. Somedays i don’t know what to do. all he cares about is ryan and no one else.. so he stays with me just because he wants to be with his son. The greatest part of all this is that i’m not crying anymore….why? because i’m praying a lot, i’ve asked God to give the strength and the light to see things better..i need strength to overcome all of this situation and be happy. Isn’t that what we all want? to be happy? why is it that it seems so hard sometimes?
I consider myself a good person, a helping hand to all of the people who are near me.If someone asks me for something i always try to do my best and help out. you know, Do unto other like you would like to be done on to you. It just seems like i’m the one that gets screwed up always because i end up being the bad person or someone who is this or that. blah blah blah. i never ask for anything in return, so why people like to talk bad about me, i just don’t get it.
Yesterday was a weird day. i didn’t want to leave the house and i told george that i wasn’t gonna go out there since everyone was celebrating vday and i told him i didn’t have friends and i didn’t have love so i didn’t want to see any of that. We talked all morning and he convinced me to go out. i wasn’t too sure.. and i was right… it wasn’t the greatest day of my life or anything like that… he was sitting at the diner table just thinking… about what? her probably… its very uncomfortable…i don’t know what to do somedays i just want to run away and leave everything behind…but it isn’t an option.. we came home and watched a movie… he doesn’t touch me he doesn’t hug me, he tries to be as far as possible from me. i kissed him and it seemed like it bothered him just like always… when we went to sleep, he stayed at the other side of the bed, and when i tried to talked to him he just said go to sleep. This morning he just kept asking me about the house, when was i gonna clean when were my classes over and blah blah blah… and don’t forget to do this or do that…. etc. that’s all he cares about. when i was leaving, me and ryan got into the car, he said bye to ryan and kissed him goodbye…and he just waved his hand at me…. uncomfortable…. that’s how i feel. This morning when i came to work… i logged in to the msn messenger and he wrote me a message.. yesterday when i was taking a shower..;he couldn’t tell me obviously… and he said he just wanted to wish me a happy valentines day and that he knew things were not great between us but that they were gonna work themselves out and that i should never look back but forward and the he said he loved us.. not me but us… i don’t understand why it is so hard for him to tell me that he loves me… he wants to generalize to he’s not committing himself to me… but its ok.. i guess over the years i’ve learn that men will never love me as i love them and that are grounds for not being with anybody anymore because i can’t really be being used like i am and like i’ve always been. so unfortunately love wasn’t meant for me in this life… but its ok i have God….
I feel so much better.. usually i would of just cried and cried for days but i have given him all my suffering and he has taken it away. I don’t feel the urge to cry anymore.. than again i listen to freaking temerarios o jenny rivera and then i want to cry so i’m trying to avoid those songs… sometimes ican’t help it but i’m trying… i hope that things get better around here for good. i just want to be able to be happy and live well, i don’t want tohold anybody by my side if they don’t love me.