Wedding

Dear Mr. Bandleader,

 

My wife and I look forward to you providing music at our daughter’s
wedding. We have a list of songs we would like you to play. Don’t worry if
you don’t know all of them. Any Chick Corea composition would be great, but
we would especially like you to play "The Three Quartets, No.1" as the
guests walk in.

 

For the bride’s mother, please go right into the piano intro to
"Quartet No. 2." Keep playing it till she gets up to the altar. Also, have
it arranged for the full ensemble. Don’t play any of the "Electric Band"
songs. Make sure the drummer uses "Evans" drum heads so his drums sound like
Steve Gadd, our favorite drummer. Now, when I walk in, please play
"Birdland" (but the version from "Live"). My wife and I were at that show,
and we particularly like it. If you find it too difficult, you can play
"Sister Cheryl" from "Tony Williams Live in Tokyo."

 

Now, for the song in the middle of the Mass during the communion, we
want the singer to sing Alan Holdsworth’s "Against the Clock" from his
"Wardenclyffe Tower" CD. We love this song and especially the drum solo by
Vinnie Colaiuta. We think that it’s his greatest solo, although some will
argue against this. Keep repeating the drum solo till the priest tells you
to stop. Any of John Coltrane’s duets w/Pharaoh Sanders would be grand.

 

I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone’s cup of tea,
but all of our guests LOVE high register tenor saxes. We thought a little
Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like the
"Infernal Dance", or whatever it’s called, from the Rite of Spring (second
version c. 1932). If you want to use the sheet music, that’s OK. We like a
tempo of about 93 (Ozawa). Faster would be cool, too, but don’t play it too
slow. That would ruin it.

 

Next, for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank
Zappa’s "The Black Page."

 

If you want to play it in the original key of Bb minor, that would be
fine, but my cousin Janeen would like to sing it, so you may have to play
that part in another key (she majored in voice at UCLA).

 

During the cocktail hour, we want some nice Keith Jarrett tunes from
his "Standard Vol. 1 and 2" And, feel free to take things out as far as you
like. When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of
Varese’s "Ionization"? It’s such a cool piece. We think it would go over
really well: it’s much better than "The Stripper."

 

Now, for the bride and groom’s first dance, please slow things down a
bit by doing Barber’s "Adagio for Strings." It’s so much better than "We’ve
Only just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz." When my wife and I join in the
first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk’s "Ruby, My Dear"?
That’s in honor of my wife’s grandmother, whose name was Ruby. It would mean
so much to the family. Then, we would like to hear some nice Mexican music
while we eat dinner. We love the sound of Los Ponchos, so any of their hits
would be great.

 

Thanks very much for all your help. We’ll certainly be happy to
recommend your band to all of our friends. We thought that $50.00 per man
for 4 hours would be sufficient. So that’s $350.00 for the entire group. If
you get our guests dancing, I will throw in an extra $50.00. So, get ’em
dancing. We want you to be set up TWO HOURS before your start time @ 5:00
pm., and do not be late.

 

We don’t want to see any cases, bags, coats, boxes, cables, wires, or
any unnecessary clutter on the stage or within view of the guests. Play 1
hour and then take a break of no more than 10 minutes, but don’t forget, to
leave the guitar player or the piano player playing while the rest of the
band breaks. Absolutely no drinking! In fact, we don’t even want to see the
musicians near the bar or food tables. Also, NO TALKING ON STAGE!! Go
outside quietly where no one can see you.

 

Of course, no smoking anywhere. Someone will be watching you on your
breaks to make sure you don’t consume any alcohol. Before you leave, please
feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich (or, a "bandwich" as you people
call them). And, perhaps a soda to take with you. Oh, and one more thing. .
. and this is very important. In between songs, we don’t want to hear any
musicians practicing "licks," or running up and down high speed scales.
Nothing sounds worse than hearing musicians all "fooling around" at the same
time. I believe you people like to call it "noodling." or something like
that. But, it is a terrible habit. It’s very unprofessional. You don’t hear
the members of the Berlin Philharmonic "noodling around" between movements.
. . .right?

 

We look forward to hearing you play.

 

Sincerely,

 

The Bride’s Parents

 

 

 

Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2006 3:36 PM

 

Subject: Re: DEAR MR. BANDLEADER

 

Dear Bride’s Parents:

 

Thank you for your bestowing on us the honor of playing at your
daughter’s wedding. We think the tunes you have asked for will present no
problem whatsoever. We actually only know three numbers all the way through,
"Marzey Doats", "Gimme a Pigfoot and a Bucket of Beer", and "Achy Breaky
Heart" but I’m sure we’ll be able to vary them a bit so they’ll fit all your
requests.

 

A plus is that, as at least your guests will be allowed to drink,
they’ll be so smashed they won’t know the difference. We’ll play ’em good
and loud, too. Don’t worry about us drinking – we never touch the stuff. Of
course we’re glad you mentioned nothing about dope as we are all addicts and
frequently shoot up on the stand. You will also enjoy our unique dress code
for weddings, inspired by the ‘Stones.

 

We would like to reserve the right to install the bride’s garter, as
when we get good and high you never know what will happen. Nothing wrong
with a little "Rite of First Night", as they say. If your daughter is a
little shy, her mother will do just fine.

 

About the money, or bread, as we musicians like to say, the $350 is OK
but there are a couple of extras involved, like social security, retirement,
severance pay, medical insurance, instrument insurance, contract
administrative costs and union dues. This will bring the total to$2,786.76.
I know these little extras are a nuisance, but with all the bread (there it
is again !) you’ll be saving by not feeding us (we musicians only get to eat
at gigs, especially the homeless ones without girl friends or, Chicks, as we
like to call them) it shouldn’t hurt your wallet much. So we’re really
looking forward to entertaining you.

 

OH! One more thing: should we check our guns and razors at the door,or
is it OK to bring ’em in?

 

Sincerely,

 

The
Bandleader