my heart and i

I used to beat my own heart,
would set upon it desperately
like bare hands to a throat,
senses barely kept afloat;

It bore abuse so loyally,
never letting out a gurgle
nor a drop of blood to say
things had grown amiss, astray;

When in time our madness peaked,
misery had dragged us to
the grave’s edge dark and deep,
yet we fell down but to sleep;

And sleep watched us like a warden,
our still mind serving invites to
all dreams within a mile,
in time ‘midst our sleep, a smile;

And time stitched us like a surgeon,
our dead weight lending chances to
the heart to fuse and heal,
end in sight to our ordeal;

Many slumbers more did pass,
’til one morning we awoke
not to past regrets or pain,
but to the scars that begged remain;

I ceased to hold my heart at peril,
‘stead as a sponge to gently wring
by fingers light and free of malice,
sipped wisdom like wine from a chalice;

And thus my heart fears me no longer,
tugging on me with its strings
to make its presents known –
a song, a sketch, a thought, a poem …

Mavis

You keep writing MY heart.

3 replies

@mavis Thank you! Glad you could appreciate it…
I hated writing this, it was torture — because it’s long (for me) and because it became a story with a number of clear steps, and it was a nightmare to give it some clarity. Also I added rhyme (though slightly atypical), which I don’t do often and it may sound a bit forced. Then I had to form the meter carefully for the rhyming sounded better, so some of the sentences may sound strange… mostly I hope it makes sense!

August 5, 2018

@messupit I am always iffy on rhymes…your choice of an ABCC scheme is unusual and made the rhyme less insistent, but I would say the jury is still out on whether it made the poem stronger.
The syntax is a little odd in places but I liked that – added some interest to the shape of the story.
I hope you don’t mind the feedback…I am no expert, but I know what I like and friends often ask me to read their work for them.

@mavis Hey no problems at all! Always love feedback 🙂 You pretty much confirmed what I mentioned, but in the end the poem is what it is — I chose that format after I wrote the first few lines, and constrained it to that, and I won’t have anything to compare it to until I re-write it (which might not happen, though it could work). I have a number of times converted a poem to prose or vice-versa (sometimes while writing, sometimes after), but never completely re-written to a different poem format. In fact, this would easily convert to prose, and it’s probably how I’d do it.

I have already changed a few minor things though X) Can’t help myself. I still make minor changes even today on poems written years ago — amazing what you can see given time and/or fresh eyes!

The decision to break into small stanzas probably wouldn’t have happened without the decision to rhyme, and that certainly extended the scope of it, so realistically it would have been something quite different if I’d done my usual thing (and thus we enter the messy realm of existentialism!). Honestly I hated it after I wrote it, but currently I like it again (not sure how I’ll feel tomorrow…).

I’ve taken poetic licence with grammar in a couple of places (but I figure that’s the correct licence to be using for this sorta thing lol). It was all for sake of the meter, as I don’t like being mislead into the wrong timing too easily — this one mostly flows easily, definitely after a read or two.

I think that’s why I don’t like rhyming, the constraint – though that might also be why it can be very rewarding. However I normally chase the reward of writing something poetic without relying on the innate aural pleasure of rhyme, that’s it’s own challenge in itself, and just what I gravitate towards when I write. ABCC seemed to be my compromise for the unsubtle aspect of rhyme.

p.s. I’m *way* behind in entries on OD, I will catch up with yours I promise!