extraordinary lifesaving measures?

Warning – if you have suffered a recent loss, this entry might not be for you.

So, my mom is dying. This is not a new thing. It is no big surprise. She has been “getting weaker” for the last four years, since her first stroke (actually, for a long time the “getting weaker” was just wishful thinking on my dad’s part.) She has been pretty much bedridden and, when awake, recognizes no one, living in some bizarre fantasy world populated by several nonexistent husbands, rats, workmen and firefighters. Last week, she really did take a turn. She has lost the ability to swallow and her veins are collapsing. My dad waited until last night to tell me; he didn’t want to upset me (he always does this – he didn’t tell me my grandmother died for two weeks because he didn’t want to upset me during finals.) The nursing home took her to the emergency room because of the swallowing thing, but there’s nothing they can do to improve her condition. She needs a feeding tube, because her veins cannot handle an IV. Both my parents have living wills with “no extraordinary lifesaving measures” clauses. My father has interpreted this as no feeding tube. No one seems to think I’ll have a problem with this, but I do. I consider artificial devices to keep the body functioning after the brain has stopped to be “extraordinary lifesaving measures.” I do not consider a feeding tube to be “extraordinary lifesaving measures;” I consider this to be food. It is denying a functioning (albeit malfunctioning) brain nourishment. My mother is starving to death. How do I convey my convictions long-distance? My father just wants it all to end, and I understand that. But, this is wrong – a line has to be drawn somewhere. Apparently my opinion does not matter. All of the close family are already dead. And, the cousins have always been of the opinion that she is not my mother (as I am adopted), so why should I care? Excuse me, not my mother? Unless a new one springs fully-grown from the rotten tomato in my refrigerator, she is the only one I’ve got. I am fully aware that the feeding tube will only prolong a miserable existence; however, this is immoral – the body should be allowed to die naturally. If you’re going to deny her sustenance, why not just put a bag over her head and deny her oxygen? I am not stricken with grief over the loss of my mother. We were never close, the adoption being all my dad’s doing. A brain tumor right after my adoption meant I can only remember her as a half-blind neurotic woman who had to be looked out for throughout my childhood. Since the strokes, her quality of life has become so degraded; I think death will be a relief. Still, I would not deny a total stranger food, how can I condone starving my mother, whatever the mitigating circumstances? People here don’t seem to be concerned with how I feel about it, either. Of course, I expected the Japanese to keep mum about it, infirmity being one of those humiliating, taboo subjects. But, all I get from my gaijin co-workers is stories about how their family members died; I understand that they mean well, but it doesn’t help right now. And at home, concern that the untimely passing of my mother might disrupt our planned ski trip. Perhaps there’s something wrong with me – I seem to be the only one disturbed by this all; I have no support and no one wants to talk about it. I left home to start my own family, and right now my family is here; I have a responsibility to them – to my husband, who I love more than life itself, who just returned from six months of his own misery and deserves to have someone to come home to every night, to my daughter who has never been happier anywhere. I wish my parents lived right around the corner and I could rush right over there, but I can’t. Why are my opinions worth less just because they are over the phone?