Letter

I wrote Joseph a letter.  Tell me what you think.

Joseph,

You wanted me to write a list of things I like about you and the things I want you to change. I don’t know why you want me to do this. I feel like by telling you this kind of thing, by putting it into words, we are only setting ourselves up for another fight.

As much as I wanted to hate you in the beginning of all this, I can’t. At times, I don’t feel love for you, but I don’t hate you. I’m still annoyed. I’m still angry and every now and then I don’t like you, but I still love you. God help me, I don’t always know why, but I do love you.

I feel like you still owe me an apology, but I can’t imagine that helping. The words “I’m sorry.” will never be enough for me.

You managed to chip away at me so much that I wondered if I am enough woman for any man. For a while I wondered if I was worthy of love. I am. I am a good person. I try hard to be a good mother. I try to be a good friend and wife. And I was good. I did for you. I did all I could for you until you wanted to be a polygamist. Even then I tried. I was willing to let you be with other women, so I thought. I know that’s when I pulled away. I know I hurt you when I pulled away, but you got your revenge. You hurt me so badly. You hurt me more than I could have hurt you. You ripped me to shreds and then you left.

You know that I have been grateful for this break though. I found I was strong again. I learned I don’t need you for me to live. I want you around if you are going to treat me like I deserve, but I don’t need you to survive anymore. I can work and still be a good mother to Brandi. I can have other friends. I am strong. Don’t doubt me and don’t make me doubt myself anymore.

I still want you in my life. I still want you in our lives. But when you come back it has to be to me and only me. I deserve that. I deserve to be the only one. I never thought of any other man that way. I deserve the same courtesy given to me. If you can give me that, then we will be together again.

I don’t know if this is what you had in mind when you wanted me to write a list, but this is what you are getting.

I love you,

Mandy

Y’all take care and hug those babies tight.

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.