I’m Pulling My Hair Out!!!!

And biting my nails and pacing the floor and about ready to drink myself to a stupor to make my head shut up. Doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, right?

Let’s go back to this morning. The kids are sick. I’m sick. Joseph is sick. And now Brandy has started coughing. So took both kids to the doctor this morning. We go through all the stuff with Jess. No big deal. He’s old enough to deal with a fever on his own. She just gives him an antibiotic and a cough medicine. Brandi is another story. She isn’t old enough to handle a fever. I didn’t know this. I was always told that its easier for a baby to deal with a fever than an adult. Not an infant, as I was told today. That’s really fucking great to know AFTERWARDS!!!!!!!!!! Anyway so she has been running about 99. Not bad, but not good either. Her ears a red inside. She wants to put her on an antibiotic, but she is only 5 weeks old and this could be bad. She sent us to have a CDC and complete blood culture done. I was bawling. What is wrong with my baby? Ohh and she informed me now that I have to take her temperature rectally every 6 hours. Can you imagine how guilty I feel for shoving that thermometer up my daughters butt? Its unreal. Why can’t there be a better way than her ass? She is only 5 weeks old for god sakes. If her temperature goes to 100.4, then I have to rush to Children’s Hospital, downtown.

I called Joseph’s work and made them let him go so that he could be with me while they did the blood work. I just couldn’t handle watching them draw vials of blood from her. It hurt to much just to see her have her foot squeezed. Joseph took her in. I sat in the waiting room and cried. I heard her screaming from the other room. I cried more. Joseph brought her to me and we cried together, until she calmed down and I was the only one crying.

Now she is asleep in her swing. She is so miserable from the snot draining down her throat, that she can barely sleep. She has to be almost upright. I cry every time I think about it. I’m sure she has forgotten all about her ordeal by now, but its killing me. Every time the phone rings I jump on it in hopes that the lab will be calling back with the results. I know that it’s the weekend and I won’t hear a damn thing until Monday, but I can’t stand it. I keep running things through my head to try and figure out why she is sick. What did I do wrong? Maybe if I had of tried harder to get her to breastfeed, instead of giving up and just pumping for her, she wouldn’t have gotten sick. If I hadn’t of kissed her when my throat started hurting, maybe I wouldn’t have passed my germs to her. If I hadn’t of had that damned group B strep when she was born, she wouldn’t be susceptible to infections? What did I do wrong? Why am I a bad mother? How can I prove that I love her and do what’s right? I swear I’m trying. She’s just 5 weeks old and its not like she came with an instruction book.

I told y’all I was neurotic. I’m trying really hard to make her happy when she’s awake. She is going to end up spoiled probably. I don’t care. I would probably sell my soul to have her well forever. Crazy, right? She’s my first, what am I supposed to do? Lord, let Monday come soon.

Mandy