5/17/06

I want to write any entry. I need to write an entry. I want to write how I feel. I get so many complaints that I never tell y’all how I really feel, that I never share my self with anyone.

I want to write how I ache for Joseph to hold me and be with me. I’ve had several explicit dreams about him in the past few nights. It was probably a by product of ovulation or maybe I just miss being made to feel like a woman. I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I want to hate him some days. Some days I do. Then I hear all these people over here talk down about him and I want to protect him. I’m his wife, its my job to guard him.

But he fucked up. He fucked up, not me. I didn’t. I didn’t go looking outside our marriage. That wasn’t me. I’m not that person.

I don’t think he did it to deliberately hurt me. Joseph isn’t vicious like that. Just stupid I think. Stupid to think she wouldn’t tell me. Stupid to think my own sister wouldn’t tell me. His ignorance has caused us so much pain. I hurt. He hurts. And it all hurts the Doll in the end.

And I wonder why I still love him. I wonder why I still have hopes of us being together. I have dreams of more children with him. Why??? Would life be easier if I could hate him and move on with my life? Or if I forgive him and forget anything happened?

But if I forgive him, will I forget it. No. I know that will never happen. No one ever forgets.

Oh god. What a self pitying entry. It almost makes me sick to my stomach to post it.

Y’all take care and hug those babies tight.

Mandy

Ovarian cancer: It whispers, so listen.