3/17/05

Ummm…I feel like shit so this will probably be short. Oh yeah and here’s your official whining alert. Because I don’t handle stress well (and like who the fuck does?) and my IBS is acting up, I’ve had diarrhea for almost a week solid. Oops, sorry to mention the TMI in this entry. Everything I eat is passing right on through. That’s a good thing except my asshole is screaming to be left alone. Permission to giggle granted.

Have I told you how much I want to go crawl in my bed, curl up in the fetal position, and bawl like a baby? I dread her having chemo. Who wants to be pumped full of chemicals? I dreamed last night she was in a hospital getting “chemo”, but it was really and IV hooked up to a Clorox bottle. I’m having horrid night mares right now. I know I shouldn’t worry and I should be focused on her healing, but this is tearing me up too.

My friend said she has a choice as to weather or not to take the chemo, but I don’t see any other way. What else could be done? I mean, its better than having to get radiation, right? I don’t know. I guess I just need to start researching it all. I want to know the statistics of survival. How likely is it that Brandy and I will get it? Will I have to explain to my Doll later on that she could lose her ovaries? Will I have to tell her she might end up giving away her chance of having babies if she doesn’t have them young? My Mom is only 44, will she live to see 45?

I know I’m getting myself into things that don’t matter right now, but what the fuck is going to happen? The future matters, doesn’t it? I guess I’m being to morbid. I’m just tired. I guess I’ll try to con the monsters into a nap.

I’m sorry to be such a downer y’all. Thank you so very much for all your notes and prayers and thoughts. I do love you all very much. It makes it easier for me to know that somebody cares. One of these days things will be good again and I will happy again. One of these days I’ll be back to writing stupid entries and noting like a good fav should. One of these days, right?

Y’all take care and hug those babies tight.

Mandy